HAPPY BIRTHDAY

so first and formost i would like to say happy birthday to my life long inspiration and hero my grams. I would have never blossomed in the woman i am today without her support and advice and unconditional love. I would love to be there to celebrate but unfortunately you will have to drink a manhattan, smoke a cigarette, and eat a piece of chocolate cake dedicated to your life and granddaughter. As for me things are very busy with all the projects coming together. I work hard and am learning about myself everyday. I will be finishing sex ed in the high school and starting with a more intensive class if you will with the youth in my site. They have lots of questions about sex and no one to give them the answers. I have this idea if i can teach them they wont get pregnant so early or have as many children which might in fact change the future of this town all together. Here is a journal entry but I am going to leave some blanks for names so as not to cause problems. You all can infer which organizations and countries belong in the blanks. "I do not think the path of service is noble because we come from a different country full of amenities. I think it is much easier our path to change. People are more likely to listen to outsiders, host and treat kindly a foreigner from an "advanced" culture. Whereas the average country man would first have to distance himself enough from the situation to become self aware, develop a desire to change to improve the lives of others, determine a plan of action, resolve a means to do so and than fight relentlessly against ignorance and criticism. That is a grander feat. I am incredibly grateful that Ghandi lived and led and taught what one person could do. And he held strong to the truth perhaps it was only his truth but the most important way to live life is to know oneself and be true to that self. He saw through the impressions and found the impressive. Accumulation of worldly things did not matter as richness lies in the soul. That money oculd not achieve justice. That work must be done well and be intrinsically motivated. That quality of work is not success or failure but commitment undying commitment to the mission to the poeple involved and people affected. People looked at him as a godlike figure because they failed to recognize that they too were capable of the same greatness. I agree that one must leave a country and live in another in order to see clearly their native land. Not because you can compare one country to another but rather because you learn how to critique a country. When you are away you slowly grasp the reality of your other life. And then once you are there in the old country you expand on the hypothesis formed. You later have the ability o evaluate the severity of the problem, and look for resolution. His time in south africa helped him recognize that his real fight belonged to India. So i think about what would need to be done in the ___. We are already free or independent however actions should be taken to free the rest of the world from our terrible informal and occasionally indirect rule. One would be the food system. Which i have argued in the past would need to be destroyed to be repaired. All of the exploitation of land in other countries forces nutritional problems, deficiences, and civil war. When there is not enough food in the country one can be cerrtain that the ____ is somehow involved. Largely because the food mass produced in the ____ is given to animales to control the price on the world market. The price on world scale is generally more expensive than other countries can pay. Also other countries lack food security on account that they have been persueded to plant non food crops. When the crop failes or deflates everyone loses their chance to eat because there is no food to buy or sustain the country. The crop is inedible such as coffee sugar cane cotton and no one can buy food from the rich. When food causes war malnutrition cries as loud as the stomach pains of children with bloated stomachs. The intellectual and physical consequences of this malnutirion debilitates an already weakened country. These chldren will die sononer, live sickly, be weaker than the competition, dumber than their companionsand, more or less worthless. Economically speaking these people are a bureden on social services for a lifetime. Unable to fend for themselves they must suckle from the teat of the motherland. And the ____ just keeps on polluting, displacing migrant workers with machinery that further disrupts the natural balance and other chemicals used do not function properly and instead of removing pests we acutally eliminate ourselves using these dangerous unfounded, unstudied, unapproved chemical compounds in the hopes of increasing yield just so tha we can burn it all in the end. Now the food is being produced as a fuel, more crisis is certain to enrage and irrupt. The illusion is that there is excess production meanwhile many mouths remain hungry. How can such an outrageous proposterous idea seem like the best way of managing food. Food should be food and fuel should come from a waste product instead of an agricultural product. Thinking green is far from thinking ecological, it is truly greed and envy. The distribution of food to the needy should trump our need to drive more than one car around the block. The bigger plans are what others fail tosee. The ____ and the ____ continue to plot and pulverize third world countries as a means to destroy the competition. The idea of creating a way to be green is counter productive. Green is honestly simple it is small and monotonous it is a piece of land, some animals, wwalking , using the waste of humans and animals to grow more food. To enrich the siol that is currently spoiling. It is singular production for a single household. Mass scale production sacrifices quality, flavor, nutritional content of food. It births food products which degrade the organism. The preservaives we consume cause cancer, obesity, heart disease. All people must die but dying slowly and painfully just seems unjust for us to force other countries to suffer the prolonged prolog. Living poor does not seems so bad when they can plant. Without hunger, with education poverty does not appear to be a horrible existence. Accumluation is to buy thngs most people do not need. When needs can be met at a minimal price why do we insist to want more? Why cant everyone give share and get. No we will not grow substaincially but we could grow at the appropriate rate instead of accelerating the speed at which everyone consumes and contributing contamination that is wrecking the potencial of future. The ___ gives untested or unapproved chemicals to the third world. Substances proven to be too dangerous or unfit for human consumption. And then the production from these poeple goes in the the water and the food is contaminated to a people are poisoned and sometimes die. Meanwhile the ___ turns a blind eye. Its primary objective is earn more at all costs to gain profits and initiate debts. The ___ in the third world provide loans that will never possibily be gained from the food produced. They oversell to undercut to low blow and exaggerately or unnecessarily deprive the destitute. And who benefits from all these manipulatively ingenious schemes, a few rich men beautifully dresseed living in immense hones loving their luxiourous lives. They have more money than they can spend. It sits in investments in foreign bank accounts untouched but certainly accounted for. Whilst people, families, children suffer from hunger pains, diarrhea, curable diseases lead to deathly conclusions or temporary conditions turn into life long consequences. All could be treated or prevented. All projects require money. It is not a lack of voluntud or personnel they exist they try they fight they hope and wait for the pennies to flow from familiar faces or competitive grants. Why cant everyone get fuded to do good things for the greater cause. Why do the minority financially control the progress of minority groups? They should losen their grip on their money sacks or robin hood should return. Not for any personal benefit to but rather to realize campaigns, activities, and programs that could change lives. There will always be enough money unfortunately pride and prestige interrupt anyones ability to do the right things to have a conscience. So goals for teh development workers should actually be make being impoverish more marketable make being generous trendy. Make funding an NGO the way to go for all these rich folks looking for a sweet tax break and some great publicity. Get rid of these foundations that assist already safe or saved people and give it to memebers trying to provoke change and better the quality of life of a minority majority. Stop planning so much and start doing more. If funding was not such a pain tosecure more poeple would be out pushing the evoluton of mankind through the kindness of man. Synergy is the flow that could accomplish incredible and improbable feats. Funding and people willing to work relentlessly for little or no compensation. Taht is what the world needs. More exposure. Not the the slutty skin or sexual expose but rather exposure of full, raw, unmistakeable, nauseating exposure of the realities of harsh lives the poverty extreme, cyclic, sicklic and unchanging poverty. That contributes to further malnutrition, underemployment, lack of education, lack of appropraite upbringing, resentfulness, and suspiciousness. Survial tactics including prostitution, crime, sexdual abuse. alcoholism, drug selling, drug abuse, low self esteem, early pregnancy. This is virtually inescapalbe unless someone from the outside swoops in a teaches people to save themselve. Taht they are capable persons and breaks what could be an endless chanin of misery and unfulfilling existence. Life is about loving yourself and others, learning that the greater good is always more than any individual´s pleasure. It is a decision more poeple should make giving a hand instead of kicking and spitting on the already bloody messes of the world. When a country is poor the poepl cannot overcome the situation. It is commonly the result of policy change and decisions made from the top or outsiders. So when people keep trying to enter another country it is because life is so much easier in one of the high roller countries. The majority of immigrants believe that it is their only way to a new and improved life and it is because they are right. Within their own country they will never earn money or get a good education or live securely because of national debts, depletion of natural resources and exploitation. So perhaps before people criticize others they should see the equation from both sides. Get out of their comfort zone and see how cruel the world can be and how cruel most of us are. Not doing anything is just as bad as instigating a problem."

busy bunny

SO yes I have been working like a mad woman. I find it interesting that you can never seem to learn enough information on any one subject. Especially sex I had no idea how complicated sex was and all the psychology that goes into the decisions we make and the anatomy and then the gender roles,sexuality, birth control methods, pregnancy planning, safe pregnancies, and after care. And so I am becoming a sex expert for real. And then I am trying to train the rest of the twenty somethings in my youth group so that they can train the like 12-18 year olds in my site. I figure it is better to get sex advice from some one older than it is to get it from a 13 year old when you are a 13 year old you know. It would just add confusion to confusion. So I am changing the goals of my health program so that they make more sense. I work with moms and youth or people my own age or high school. Those are my main population. Then third would be babies. I should take pictures because you all would not believe how many babies actually love me. Still personally do not want my own though I do hear about it on a daily basis. how I shoul dget married and have babies already. It is so true though the more you know about sex the less you want to have it. Lets see still training mama bears about the flu and trying to get important members of the municipality involved in the process. Speaking of municipality so we are in election time and on loud speakers all day long I hear propoganda and songs about who we should vote for and in the night there are caravans of people and cars chanting. Ridiculous I keep waiting for a dance war to break out or soemthing more dramatic. But nothing. Boo.

return

Well I did in fact get my office. I had my first few patients on Monday. I think at the end of everything I will definitely make a big difference working there. The majority of my work is talking about beliefs that people have about food and sickness. They do not give their kids certain foods for fear that they will get sick. While the reality is the opposite in the majority of the cases. I have renamed my worm Gustavo. Oh I also got a bacterial infection in my intestine. Made me sick and knocked me out for a few days. I have retired from the dance group for a while. Which has given me more time to study nutritional studies and hang out with friends, climb mountains, and relax my body. I am still hopeful that someday I will return. I have spent the last week in training about improved cooking stoves, gardens, breeding of small animals, and latrines. I learned quite a bit which will be helpful in the near future because in October I will be building more improved cook stoves. I vaccinated a duck and deloused bunnies that were covered in lice. As a result I probably have some fleas or something. I learn new things everyday. It was great to bring this guy for my youth group as I think he learned a lot. And he is super interested in helping me with sex education because I guess no one received that information. Then I am still doing these trainings which are still very fun and hopeful. It was great to see the other volunteers and hear what they are up to. There is so much work to get done but I try to keep focused on smaller groups so as to be effective. But I get discouraged that there will not be enough time to do it all. And then I feel pressure from my boss to do more but I do not know if there are enough hours in the day. Seeing as we lack funding and we sometimes lack technical ability or sometimes the people do not show up or are not participative. All of which puts some serious holes in plans. I do my best I wish that she would recognize that. But perhaps she is just the type of person that believes that constantly pushing people will make them better. I think that there should be a balance. Oh well I came back to site today. I will write more soon. Miss yall.

perspective

Things may be looking up. I have finally got my health promoters and some of the health professionals working well in this improved house project. I already held two trainings which went smoothly and were actually quite fun. I am potentially getting my own space in the health post where I will be working as a Nutritiionist two days a week. I am hoping that it will improve some cases of malnutrition. Right now all the kids in my early childhood stimulation group have parasites. I also believe I have a worm that i have named fredrico. Sex education continues in the high school and tomorrow we have a recycling event. My new garden is beautiful, my plants are growing and I am already eating radishes. The guinea pigs are also growing I have about 60 right now and 5 are pregnant so the population will be growing. I have decided that it is less important what people think about my work and more important that I keep doing what I am doing and building relationships. My dance group just celebrated its aniversary I danced jungle which involved body paint, lots of skin, fire circle, covering boys with powder and shaking it alot. Super fun. I have along with my best girlfriend here decided to leave the group for a while to focus on work and so I think in maybe two months or so I will go back if there is still a group. I will be heading to some trainings with my community members in the near future which should be interesting. I want to say happy birthday to jordan and zach and my uncle which we will celebrate some other day in the future. I have learned it is more fun to celebrate your birthday for many days instead of just one day. Here is a journal entry from may "So at this point and in this book I was reading I keep hearing the same messsage or better question Are we at the beginning or at the end? When we enter the thrid world or the country side are we ending or regressing?When we pass the widons of the shops in a large shopping mall have we made it have we arrived? If we survive in the world of poverty, or the world of consumerism. Both put a smile on my face because they are full of contradictions and ironies. Both places are full of lost people looking for something or someone to cutre their ales to pass the time. Shar a moment or steal a lifetime. I think we are all sadly deceived that we would be happier with more. But once we have more the desire still liingers. Perhaps a 13 year old is just a 13 years old no matter where he lives or how much money he has. I cannot say when it changes. perhaps when the old man relaxes in his hot tub at night and the poor old man sleeps deeply on what might be considered a mattress wishing his life would be different. I fit both places. I do not long for money I do long for change. I want people to reach thier potential. I want people to fight for what they believe in, and do what they love. I want them to find the opportunities they always have and use the resources that surround them. I am not ever going to find what I am looking for in a perfectly matched outfit with bitching shoes and the coordinated accessories. And when I come to see the price tag in soles I just cannot imagine buying any of it when I know how many children run around hungry and families ill, and parents worried. I cannot justify any of it. And to imagine it all in dollars. I will never apologize for my success which happens to earn money. But why is life so much easier for some and so destitute for otheres. And as I develop this new reality the old one crumbles. I do not wish to leacve those that I love behind but they are so inconviently located so very far away in a place that I cannot return. For once I am being looked at in the way I always imagined. And doing what I love. When I talk people listen, when I act people follow. And while starbucks is so delicious I could live with instant coffee if it meant being as happy as I have been at this point in my life. And time flies and the memories come. And that elaborate culture of consumerism loses its shine, draw, essence, addictive drive. Although I could drop in every once in a while I much prefer to stay out of its business. Instead I will stay at the "bottom" with the rest of them and get what it means to fight, struggle, fall, fault, lack, survive and live. Because like I suspected those at the top are just killing themselves because they are bored. I will never be certain how even within the same country this kind of satsifaction exists or even how the first world got to be first. I does not make any sense to me how that was possible. Or how we went from living in the woods to living in skyrise apartments. Or so mindless to have everything at our fingertips. It is actually very unnatural to have things so simple. To be looking for life in distraction. Even though the culture of small town life poses many challenges and forces me to question my sanity at time. I suppose it comes from the biologically instilled to observe others and your surroundings in order tokeep yourself or your family safe. Because in the city we have allowerd our instincts to dull and we not only do not know the majority of people we encounter on a day to dday basis, we also do not know our neighbors. We search for privacy and solitude without realizing we have already achieved it. We are deaf and blind, meanwhile in a small town far away from the first world from the privelaged lifestyle someone is talking aobut the activites of someone else. But it serves two fold. One we practice communicating verbally and we practice our abilities to observe our surroundings and draw conclusions. And in this place there are not many things I do not miss them in fact I forget I ever had them. And being trendy goes out the door when all you wear is what is necessary, and you wash it and wear it again. Still the glamorous life does not appeal to me when I stand sweaty and dirty and proud and poorly dressed but wearing a glow of strength confidence hardwork beauty and a smile. So I do not think that the action of leaving or arriving the first world is significant at all. You leave a place when you forget that you miss it. And you arrive when you feel comfortable and content with where you are. In between those places you are either consciously lost or unconciously in camino. But it is not physical it is mental. So is lonliness we are alone when we think we are alone. We feel alone when our heart is busy remembering that we left and not seeing that we could have already arrived. But it comes around and if not we turn around." loves

arg

So i went on a great beach getaway vacation for the fourth of july. I visited two beaches which were practically private because we are in the winter even though it is not really cold, and thus no one was there. So I was hanging out in the sand, playing in the ocean, talking with strangers, eating vegetarian food, writing, hanging in hammocks, and living simply but I felt amazing. I visited this hot mud hole and after covering myself with mud sunbathing and washing it off I had skin like a babys butt. I really enjoy traveling alone it gives you so much freedom to do whatever you want whenever and the liberty to completely change your plans at anytime. I suggest everyone do it at some point even if just for a few days and try to do it where there is no television or internet because then you get to really spend time with yourself. And amongst all of it I never once felt lonely. I got back to work real quick though and man reality can suck after a vacation. I have been running around full trying to get all these projects organized, registered, funded and operating properly. I think sometimes I have over extended myself and not even so much that I have a choice in the matter. I am dealing with this parent school project which is a pain in the ass because everyone expects me to run the project which is not my job and not the idea of sustainability so now the comparisions to the previous volunteer have started on a count of everything went so smoothly when he was running the project. Well if one controls every aspect of a project and by not including community memebers in it of course it will run smoothly. But it will only last until the volunteer leaves and then there will be nothing. It is a very ungrateful job that we do and so trying to stay motivated can get hard but now that I am looking at this as some sort of a competition I am destined to win because well I hate losing and when I am angry I am also extremely productive. And I have lost the rosy glasses and we are out of the honeymoon phase. And it is so interesting because the most important people seem to appreciate my work but the rest do not and well you can only listen to so much negativity without wanting to fight back or be negative too. However I am greatful for this newfound energy as I am needing it running around working with 21 families, 2 schools, 5 health promoters on this new project about healthy households and improved cooking stoves. I am learning that it is better to have people fear or respect you than it is to have them like you. I suppose I should be more scary or strict but when I am dealing with professionals I just do not see the need in treating people like they are children. And if I take control of everything then I render them useless which they are not. I am stuck in a rut... On the good side of things I have succeeded in getting the authorities of my town to think that malnutrition is in fact a serious problem that needs fixing and therefore requires funding so I have a promise of funding in 2011 for a recooperation and prevention project. I like that I have a profession that would be useful here, it is just convincing everyone else that they should care that it the challenging part. If any one of you reading does not recycle please start recycling. It is crazy how easy it is in the states to recycle and pure laziness if you do not. I have succeeded in making recycling trendy in the high school and over the past two months the streets of my town are cleanier because of it. I miss you all and I hope that with all the big changes happening in your lives that you are finding comfort and positivity. i think about you all constantly and you are in my dreams. xoxo here is a quote my mom sent me that I liked do not know the author "virtually every successful person has considered giving up at some point in his or her struggle to reach the top. And many break throughs occured soon after those same people rededicated themselves to their purpose." it keeps me going I now understand why some people say I was made to be here and why others say they would never come. It is crazy to think that I have been here for seven months. And even though I have so much to go I know it is going to fly by because well the first year for me is already been moving quite quickly. I

Still Living

Not to fear I actually did not die the next day or the next or even today. Been teaching about how to use condoms and not get pregnant. Replanted on my new land have some beans and some radishes. Start small and grow I figure better not to get overly ambitious and disappointed again. Trying to get this improved cooking stoves project off the ground it is going very slowly. My guinea pigs are growing well I have 8 newbies and a few more on the way. Hanging out with moms in early childhood stimulation teaching about nutrition. I went to the mountains of piura to participate in a dance presentation with my dance group. Got to visit with an old friend of mine she organized the event. It was beautiful and a lot of fun. I got sick with Dengue which is a viral disease passed by mosquito bites the first time you get laid out in bed for about a week, with a serious fever, headache, bone pain, nausea, vomiting, and a sweet rash. I basically turned red, 102 fever, and felt like a 75 year old women for 5 days. It sucked. If I get it again I could die from bleeding to death from some hole in my body most commonly the eyes or ears. So needless to say I have gotten religious about using bug repellent. Right now my town is working on the next years budget and I am attending all the meetings in the hope that some importance and funding will be placed on health. There was a boys leadership camp where I took two boys from my town and met up with 15 other volunteers and 32 other boys from various towns in my department and Tumbes. It was a really incredible experience I think the boys grew and left with less shyness and more bravery. Working on writing a nutrition project in the hopes of changing the situation here where 1 in every 3 kids is malnourished. I find that right now I am in a frustrated funk where I just wish that people would pull their shit together. That includes myself. Lately I have been feeling like there is not going to be any long lasting effect here resulting from my presence or work. That being said I am rather confused why I stay. Consequently, I am not intenting nearly as hard anymore which is sort of a vicious cycle. If I do not work really hard nothing will happen, and when nothing I happens I feel like doing less. It is a waste of time wishing that things were different. Because the truth in life is that things are what they are, people are who they are, and their reality is reflected in those two things. But the fight feels futile when you are just fighting with and for yourself you know? I talked to a girl friend who told me that this experience is really about learning more about ourselves than it is about teaching anything to anyone else. I have learned that I am more patient than I could have imagined, that I care way too much for others and usually not enough for myself, I am a much better and nicer person than I thought I was, that being a black and white person is very useful, that I can cry without shame now, and that while I can integrate or adapt to the majority of situations, people, or ideas that maybe that is not what I really want or need to do to be accepted. Sorry I did not write for awhile I was traveling and sick. I am looking forward to my fourth of july vacation coming up. I will definately miss the cherry creek arts festival for all you people in colorado you better go and enjoy for me. love.

if I die tomorrow

So the month of may was a very emotionally challenging time. Beginning with getting older, a death, friends struggling at home, going on vacation with my mother, coming back to another death, working loads and perhaps not getting the results I was looking for, trying to integrate without losing my self, overall frustrations and overwhelming experiences. My vacation to lima and cuzco was amazing. It was so strange living in a first world way though. Not thinking about how much money I was spending, staying in luxury style suites, passing time with my mom, going to art shows and dance presentations, not working just being a tourist, new clothes, my favorite things from the states. Needless to say there was crying and anxiety attacks and laughter and joy. It was so great to see my mom having coffee and going for walks. Exploring and showing her parts of my new life. Cuzco was a blur of tours and gorgeous countrysides. Macchu Picchu is breath taking considering its location,the technology, the design and size. I definately suggest that people go see it but also all the other ruins were also very interesting and in my opinion just as noteworthy. There was lots of exercise and difficulty breathing in the altitude. My body froze the entire time since I had gotten used to such blistering hot weather. Hot showers were a nice change of pace. And of course any adventure with my mom leaves doubled over in laughter at our ridiculousness. I am so proud of where my mom is in her life I have never seen her look so alive and happy. She was pushing me up the stairs and hills and I know that it was a really important and strenous trip for her on so many levels but she was glowing.I got to visit with some old friends as I randomly ran into two co workers and their families, I think it was so refreshing to share stories with them and even more so for our parents to be able to talk. To say goodbye just seems so natural these days. I went back to my site only to find that a 24 year old that worked in the municipality had died in a motorcycle accident. Which is where the title of this blog comes from, because I was struck hard with the question if I die tomorrow am I doing what I should be doing and living where I should be living? And the truth was that this guy was really put together and represented hope for me and then my hope for this place sort of died this past week. So I am trying to recover the energy, optimism, and hope I had before. Went through another of the really sad death marchs there were 2500 people present at the mass and procession. Then I decided that the community garden was a failure and ripped out the remains which was incredibly threapudic. I am now going to just have a personal garden on a different better piece of land. I want to learn how to plant soy and in the hopes it grows well here start a trend. Also the guinea pig trend is on its way. So is the recycling trend. I have decided if anything that changning people is actually impossible and the only thing I can do is influence their decisions. So I am going to try to be a trendsetter and stop getting so worked up about things that do not work out. I went and climbed a famous alien hill the other day did not find anyhting out of the normal but it was a nice change of perspective looking from the up down. Trying to recuperate the youth group I was working with they are also very hopeful in my opinion. But I realized that being idealistic definately has its consequences and I think I need to be careful with idealism because its structure sets me up for failure. That is all for now. Loves.