months later

Opps, well terribly sorry that I have not written in months but life has been crazy out of control so backing up a bit. I finished my nutrition project which was a huge success in terms of being able to recover malnourished children in the short period of four months i can only hope that these improvements continue for the rest of those children's lives. There were significant improvements in children's heights, reactiveness, and overall immune system. The last month in site was a lot of meetings and presentations about the work that I had done and the recommendations for the future work that needs to be done in my site. In short summary-
November: lots of work and meetings, closing of projects, running another training for the new volunteers in my site, my town's anniversary and all the events of the month that entails, lots of dancing and partying and saying goodbye and only tears the last day that I was leaving because that was what we had all agreed upon.
December: move to lima, start training for my new job, week long meeting with one of the groups of volunteers, just trying to get a grasp of what an office job is like, working on a computer the majority of the day, learning the ropes of new computer programs, getting to know my new office companions, and then going back to the states, xmas with my mom and grams in baltimore.
January: Went to colorado for new years, concerts, 2 new tattoos, endless coffee and visits with all the old partners in crime, some amount of drama, good movies and eats. Return to peru to officially begin job. Yesterday moved into my new apt which is small but nice and cheap and has everything included in a really safe and calm neighborhood and lots of plants all over the place. Soooo happy that we got that all worked out. Went to meet with my country partner organization where i will be working sort of like a health administrator evaluating their current health promotion activities and techniques and making them better and training people and developing better systems it is a place that manages 1 million people and is the largest district in all of peru, if I can succeed with anything there it could make a huge different in the lives of thousands. Very big opportunity. This whole year really seems like such a big opportunity.
Now that is all caught up... It was the most gratifying experience of my life these last two years. I think I have matured quite a bit and got a lot out if it many people asked me how I had changed and to put it into words on the spot was difficult so I will instead share a journal entry of mine from November that I feel captures everything I could have possibly wanted to express:
2 weeks notice is usually what one gives to their job when they are quitting or leaving. 2 weeks has always been more than sufficient time to wrap up work, say insincere goodbyes, eat cake and pack up. I keep hearing el mundo da vueltas, but for me it feels a lot closer to what goes around comes around. As I begin the anxiety attack of the year, I cannot seem to grasp the idea that this bed, this room, this image, this importance, this richness in poverty, this lifestyle is all about to come to an abrupt halt. I was so terrified and bitter when I first came here and then there was the honeymoon phase, then survival, suffering, hopeless abandonment, surrender, and success, currently passing thru bitter soon to return to the honeymoon. Saying goodbye is heart wrenching this time. These two years have been eternally short. The days were long and sometimes in the stagnant heat and relentless sun I swore that time stubbornly stood still and bathed in the luxury of its own pace. But now I am watching them fly and wishing there were more or that this did not have to end in tears of relief, regret, rejoice, and relinquishment. As is always expected the next chapter and end to the previous is inevitably uncomfortable, because it is unknown. Yet I think about the future and only arrive to a blur, a load of unclear figures and places, And for the first time I have passed 2 years filled with memories that are crystal clear and I do not feel like I need to photograph everything I find endearing. Because the most beautiful moments are seared into my memory. The things that truly matter were feelings. These years have shown me so many other emotions I never previously experienced fury, rage, embarassment, shame, vengence, depression, happiness, excitement, regret, acceptance, failure, perseverance, stress, exhaustion, longing, love, hate, faith, and grace. I giggled at the idea that in my final report meeting people wanted forgiveness for the way they had mistreated me. I thought this was not the appropriate moment but then again there really never is. The only inappropriate apology is one that never comes. Then they all thanked and congratulated me for the achievements and advancements I had in and for La Matanza. I felt so proud that what I had done was profound enough to merit both verbal and written recognition from the authorities of my town. It was such a strange sensation of insufficiency. They made it clear there was no way to actually thank me for all that I had done, And at the same time the situation made it impossible to even begin to trying to explain what they had done for me as well. Even all the hardships, criticisms and what I felt were cruelties I would not take them back for a second I wanted to thank them for having shaped and defined me as a person and a professional. Joel mentioned the first day that we met and I though how different things are now. How much we have done, changed, and different. La Matanza cleanier and prettier. Me skinner, tanner, a little older, a little smoother and also a little more tough. I learned the importance of a feminine touch yet never lost the calluses on my hands. It was the first time in too long to remember that I found peace with food and fatness and fitness. Eating fried foods 3 times a day and not wincing or feeling guilty. I lost weight without hours of sweat filled exhertion and calorier control. I learned to drink beer and not fear filth and germs. I embraced that I probably ate or was covered in poop the majority of the time. I learned to smile and laugh when you really feel like yelling or crying. That frustration is not a productive emotion for anyone. That patience and calmness get things done more quickly. That a good meal and conversation values in at a good days at work and payday. I learned when you do not have money you do not have to worry about money and that poor people are much happier than rich people. That respect and kindness are tools for understanding and that differences in age, race, ethnicity, education, economics, and politics can all fade into the background and be completely insignificant in the face of humankind. The best things do not come easily or quickly. When you rush things they fall apart. Even when you want to trust everyone you cannot; someone will betray you and some people will always want to do you harm. Always better to come early and prepared rather than punctual and screwed. Relentlessness is the middle name of progress. I laughed in that meeting because it was the first time I present the same ideas I have presented for a long time, and knew that I was listened to instead of just being heard. And that these insights would be used to make relevant decisions that would decide and shape the future of this community. It was the moment after proving that one person can truly make a difference and change the world that the looks in their eyes made me believe it as well. After so much sweat, blood and tears those seconds of sweet certainty convinced me it had all been worth it in a mutual benefit. They mayor said he felt satisfied knowing they had taken advantage of the opportunity that I had presented them. And I knew that I too took everyday to do something usually for others but occasionally for myself to selfishly satisfy my curious nature and love of trying or learning new things. I left with a greater appreciation for how beautiful life can be and enjoying each moment more. With a better understanding of the importance of challenging times in the story of life. I left more mature, less naive, faithful to the fact that making mistakes is not failure and that my world does not make the world turn. It could be my happiness or sadness but the sun will rise and set. Somehow in the midst of being a spectator sport I felt the liberty to screw up and let go and retreat or fight. With all eyes watching and ears listening and mouths ready to slur slanderous truths in the form of lies. And that nothing done would be left to lie quietly. But this demanding presence only resulted in my own sureness to such an extent that I felt relaxed even in the face of scrutany and interogations, I got to the point that hearsay really meant say what you heard plus a little more. Oh but did being held accountable shipshape my ass up. Now each time before I go to do something silly I think the three seconds before instead of the three seconds after. And also have 2 solutions to every potential problem. I learned it was much easier to manipulate people into some form of mind control whenever they were convinced they liked you. I learned that anything is possible, first one must have it clear in mind and put the intentions into the universe and be alert to the signs of opportunities and then fight like hell until you are panting with exaultation. And never once doubt that it will happen or that you can make it happen. Through this one can achieve anything. Nothing is easy but not is impossible no matter how improbable. I learned to ask for forgiveness even at the cost of my pride and also how to forgive and accept apologies. I learned to be grateful for everything but in particular when someone is kind. And to have fun, so much fund as much as possible.I think I met the girl I always knew I could be. I got the opportunity to use my work talents not so much to be productive but rather to benefit the common good. I realized that what motivates me is work itself, better when it is a theme I am passionate about but that money is irrelevant to my life and joy. I can just be calm knowing that I have enough of it. The reflection overall of the experience is that the world does not need to be saved it just needs to be adjusted. This is also true about most of our lives. In whichever moment we believed things to be terrible an attitude adjustment is usually all it takes to get moving in the right direction. I feel people should be obliged to offer everything they have to give because these people have had to survive things that we will never know. The world is sometimes very bitter or angry with the way the global economy has evolved. And they should be it is completely unfair that anyone can drink and eat while others starve and die of thrist. It is just plain selfish. Even If people in the third world get to study at the university they will never make enough money to pull their family out of poverty. The other countries do not have the luxury to live on dreams. The live on back breaking labor until they die, and the first world ignores that all people are just people with the same needs.
Thank you so much to everyone I love and who has supported me and continues to support me I now have regular internet so I will be able to be more diligent about blogging and keeping up on facebook. this year promises many things to all of us,
love you so much.