Still Living

Not to fear I actually did not die the next day or the next or even today. Been teaching about how to use condoms and not get pregnant. Replanted on my new land have some beans and some radishes. Start small and grow I figure better not to get overly ambitious and disappointed again. Trying to get this improved cooking stoves project off the ground it is going very slowly. My guinea pigs are growing well I have 8 newbies and a few more on the way. Hanging out with moms in early childhood stimulation teaching about nutrition. I went to the mountains of piura to participate in a dance presentation with my dance group. Got to visit with an old friend of mine she organized the event. It was beautiful and a lot of fun. I got sick with Dengue which is a viral disease passed by mosquito bites the first time you get laid out in bed for about a week, with a serious fever, headache, bone pain, nausea, vomiting, and a sweet rash. I basically turned red, 102 fever, and felt like a 75 year old women for 5 days. It sucked. If I get it again I could die from bleeding to death from some hole in my body most commonly the eyes or ears. So needless to say I have gotten religious about using bug repellent. Right now my town is working on the next years budget and I am attending all the meetings in the hope that some importance and funding will be placed on health. There was a boys leadership camp where I took two boys from my town and met up with 15 other volunteers and 32 other boys from various towns in my department and Tumbes. It was a really incredible experience I think the boys grew and left with less shyness and more bravery. Working on writing a nutrition project in the hopes of changing the situation here where 1 in every 3 kids is malnourished. I find that right now I am in a frustrated funk where I just wish that people would pull their shit together. That includes myself. Lately I have been feeling like there is not going to be any long lasting effect here resulting from my presence or work. That being said I am rather confused why I stay. Consequently, I am not intenting nearly as hard anymore which is sort of a vicious cycle. If I do not work really hard nothing will happen, and when nothing I happens I feel like doing less. It is a waste of time wishing that things were different. Because the truth in life is that things are what they are, people are who they are, and their reality is reflected in those two things. But the fight feels futile when you are just fighting with and for yourself you know? I talked to a girl friend who told me that this experience is really about learning more about ourselves than it is about teaching anything to anyone else. I have learned that I am more patient than I could have imagined, that I care way too much for others and usually not enough for myself, I am a much better and nicer person than I thought I was, that being a black and white person is very useful, that I can cry without shame now, and that while I can integrate or adapt to the majority of situations, people, or ideas that maybe that is not what I really want or need to do to be accepted. Sorry I did not write for awhile I was traveling and sick. I am looking forward to my fourth of july vacation coming up. I will definately miss the cherry creek arts festival for all you people in colorado you better go and enjoy for me. love.

if I die tomorrow

So the month of may was a very emotionally challenging time. Beginning with getting older, a death, friends struggling at home, going on vacation with my mother, coming back to another death, working loads and perhaps not getting the results I was looking for, trying to integrate without losing my self, overall frustrations and overwhelming experiences. My vacation to lima and cuzco was amazing. It was so strange living in a first world way though. Not thinking about how much money I was spending, staying in luxury style suites, passing time with my mom, going to art shows and dance presentations, not working just being a tourist, new clothes, my favorite things from the states. Needless to say there was crying and anxiety attacks and laughter and joy. It was so great to see my mom having coffee and going for walks. Exploring and showing her parts of my new life. Cuzco was a blur of tours and gorgeous countrysides. Macchu Picchu is breath taking considering its location,the technology, the design and size. I definately suggest that people go see it but also all the other ruins were also very interesting and in my opinion just as noteworthy. There was lots of exercise and difficulty breathing in the altitude. My body froze the entire time since I had gotten used to such blistering hot weather. Hot showers were a nice change of pace. And of course any adventure with my mom leaves doubled over in laughter at our ridiculousness. I am so proud of where my mom is in her life I have never seen her look so alive and happy. She was pushing me up the stairs and hills and I know that it was a really important and strenous trip for her on so many levels but she was glowing.I got to visit with some old friends as I randomly ran into two co workers and their families, I think it was so refreshing to share stories with them and even more so for our parents to be able to talk. To say goodbye just seems so natural these days. I went back to my site only to find that a 24 year old that worked in the municipality had died in a motorcycle accident. Which is where the title of this blog comes from, because I was struck hard with the question if I die tomorrow am I doing what I should be doing and living where I should be living? And the truth was that this guy was really put together and represented hope for me and then my hope for this place sort of died this past week. So I am trying to recover the energy, optimism, and hope I had before. Went through another of the really sad death marchs there were 2500 people present at the mass and procession. Then I decided that the community garden was a failure and ripped out the remains which was incredibly threapudic. I am now going to just have a personal garden on a different better piece of land. I want to learn how to plant soy and in the hopes it grows well here start a trend. Also the guinea pig trend is on its way. So is the recycling trend. I have decided if anything that changning people is actually impossible and the only thing I can do is influence their decisions. So I am going to try to be a trendsetter and stop getting so worked up about things that do not work out. I went and climbed a famous alien hill the other day did not find anyhting out of the normal but it was a nice change of perspective looking from the up down. Trying to recuperate the youth group I was working with they are also very hopeful in my opinion. But I realized that being idealistic definately has its consequences and I think I need to be careful with idealism because its structure sets me up for failure. That is all for now. Loves.