Being Unemployeed

So upon my return from the states it became clear that I for the first time in my life was unemployed. It was a strange realization many things. I was addicted to stress, to having my every minute occupied perhaps my overachiever got so out of control at some point that she took control of my destiny. And so that overachiever was given free time, LOTs of it. I spent these past months sleeping in until 10am, drinking coffee while leisurely reading articles, watching ted talks, taking online courses, reading books, walking the dog, cooking, watching video conferences, studying coaching materials, meditating, training MMA, teaching a few aerobics classes, doing some nutrition counseling, hanging out with the hubby, practicing my coaching skills and eating at delicious restaurants. It was so weird to be able to put things off until tomorrow if I wanted because tomorrow was completely available. It also meant my to do lists took days longer than they probably should have.
It was pretty enjoyable but I kept being haunted by the existential questions that have always bit at my coattail, What is the meaning of life? Am I using my time well? Am I taking advantage of my every opportunity? Am I advancing or am I falling behind? Is this luxury or laziness? Do we work to live or live to work? Is my entire identity held up in my job? Is an unemployed life a meaningless one? Is being a housewife such a bad thing or is it the reason why we so enjoy watching the Housewives shows because it is the recipe for craziness? Isn't it more important who we are as a person and how we treat others than what we do? What does it mean to be successful? And the answers which I think should have been comforting were initially disturbing because they shook my belief system. Many people kept saying I was living the dream. So the dream is to not have to work?
 Maybe I agreed with them until month 4, when I just imploded. I NEED to work, though I did not fail to exist being unemployed I still did not feel that I was reaching my potential, and that nagging feeling began to scratch beyond the surface. It began to dig deep uncovering my survival needs. I do find meaning in meaningful work, I am motivated by recognition and helping others, which led me to apply for a Training position with PC. Yes the PC saga continues. But this time I would get paid, this time I would be a full time staff member, this time would be my first real big girl job. During this whole process I am extremely grateful for my mother and Joel who have put up with the anxiety, the hyperactive learning, the despair of the unknown, the enthusiasm and the exaggeration.
Joel and I went to see the melting glacier and get some much needed mountain air. We went up to 16,404 ft on day one resulting in some altitude sickness but nevertheless beautiful surroundings and pushing the body to it's limitless left the brain on reserve. In the mornings we drank coffee in the sunshine with the view of the snow topped mountains in the evenings tea by the fireplace. We got caught in a rainstorm, bathed in natural hot springs and Joel faced his fear of heights as we  crossed rope bridges and zip lined between canyons hanging 650 ft in the air. It was liberating and refreshing compared to the Lima's many shades of gray.
So I applied and after waiting a month (this was month 4, talk about delayed gratification) I received the phone call that felt like a lifesaver being thrown to pull me back to the real world and reconnect my rejuvenated reels into a familiar system where I could really feel the impact of my input.
It is a position I feel qualified to do and have received so much support from my volunteers who are excited for my return. In January I will officially begin. And it was something I realized on the last day I was in the states that I still had work to be done with PC and then destiny had a way of working itself into a reality. I laugh because I know that really in we don't make any decisions everything happens as it should.
I read the other day that people who live life like a marathon are happier than those who live it as a sprint. I think I had been running myself ragged for the last 12 years and it has been an amazing opportunity to sit down and rest. And it had been a sprint it was always what's next, who cares what I had done even if it was before it's deadline, even before it was ripe. So heading into adulthood and the future I will try to be more aware that this is a marathon, that when one race ends there will always be another, that this is not about winning it is about finishing strong and completing goals.
So cheers to the health and happiness of my family and friends, to finding love, to enjoying the moment, to breathing and eating as means to fulfillment, to saying positive words and committing to positive action, to constantly pondering and just being being enough.

the end of an era

As of July I officially finished being a volunteer and have reintegrated into a "normal life" if you will. I spent a month in America visiting with my mom, grams and uncle. It was lovely to catch up with you all. Another returned volunteer came to visit me in Maryland, the rest of that trip can be summarized by shopping, pedicures, good eats, funny movies and a weird sensation of not having any real responsibilities. Then I headed out to Colorado to reunite with old friends, they are still the same people something I find to be incredibly comforting as our interactions even after many years of separation continues to be effortless. They are all married or getting married, those who have children are good parents, they all seem to work A LOT, and I couldn't be prouder of the group of people I grew up with and how we have all matured and become successful adults. Mom came and met up again in Colorado which was so fun to see her twice and be back in CO we went to Liz's wedding together and took a zumba class (priceless) seriously that for me would be like a MasterCard's advertizement getting to take a zumba class with my mom and her 2 friends and have them rock it, priceless. The rest of the trip was coffee, lakeside amusement park, bachelorette party, good eats, a little bit of mountain love, feeding the ducks at the park, and many great conversations. I also got another tattoo of a lotus flower on my bicep, which means mental and spiritual enlightenment, compassion and a reminder that beauty comes from suffering. It is to represent this past year. Since being back in Lima, I have been training MMA more and helping Joel prepare for his next fight on the 23rd of October. Taking small adventures around Lima since I hadn't really had much time to explore before. I got to get the insiders tour of the zoo we got sooo close to the big cats and the new born white tiger, plus got to touch a giraffe! We have danced in some clubs and on the street concerts, gone out with friends, I am studying coaching materials to be a life coach and have been practicing sessions with some willing participants. There was the annual food festival that we went to twice and ate amazing dishes and a lot of delicious chocolates!!! Joel and I celebrated being together for a year and a half last week, this week one of our students is competing in a fight, I am pretty certain he will win. It is strange to have such an open schedule, but it is nice to sleep in and not be stressed out ever, I started cooking again and it is fun to go to the market buy super fresh ingredients and make masterpieces. It makes the body feel good. I am finding peace with just living life without a job to occupy my every moment, I giggle at the last blog because as is clear all I had previously was time to work and travel for work and worry about work, in the absence of that sometimes it feels like I am not doing anything with my life and other days it feels like I am living the dream. I suppose all is an attitude, I will be taking an online course starting at the end of the month on International Organization Management, I have applied for a position to be a trainer I should be getting an interview sometime in October. Reading my previous blog also makes me feel very qualified for that position so fingers crossed, though I wouldn't start working there until January so the prolonged vacation continues. What I have learned in the last years is that you have to work with love. Success comes easily to those who do what they love because they are willing and interested in dedicating the time, sacrifice, and suffering necessary to advance. Love is the only thing that makes you willing to do anything and everything necessary. But it also makes you feel inspired and happy which inevitably makes you more productive, that kind of positive energy just helps pull more opportunities and the right people in your direction, Secondly you have to know what you want to get what you want. I  told my volunteers to be disgustingly optimistic, and looking back whenever I really wanted something it came to me never directly perse but things came into the periphery and it is a matter of recognizing and appreciating and taking advantage of gifts that are granted. Third, nothing comes how or when you think it will. I feel like most things come in the least convenient times to force you to quit or commit. Because commitments are challenging and you have to fully wholeheartedly dive in and figure it out in the process or completely let it pass. You cannot look back and second guess or regret the decisions you made. Embrace your choices, trust yourself, your gut and looking up. The bigger picture is constantly surrounding and supporting you so long as you look up. Stressed. Look up. Depressed. Look up. When you are 100% other people want to be like you, maybe not exactly like you but your most prominent traits even if controversial traits are what people tend to want to embody. Be you, love you, express yourself fully. The world is a strong censurer it tells many lies. Be honest with yourself and others so you will be able to walk freely and move lightly. Believe in lost causes nothing is truly a lost cause. That is how miracles pop out of thin air. Believing in the impossible allows you to be happily surprised. Constructive criticism even if offensive in a first instance helps people grow when they are ready to understand and assimilate what is really being said and not what they think is being said. I am tough, I embellished it in my youth, I toned it down in college and I finished exactly where I started in elementary school. I believe I am as tough as I need to be to be able to do what is needed for others. You have to have values and live by them. Be consistent part of being consistent is knowing who you are and not pretending, imitating, faking. Oh and have fun because being tough and having values does not make you serious well at least maybe that is how others perceived it 2 years ago when I was described as intense but life is about living, having fun and enjoyment. Perhaps looking for stability is silly trying to make everything stop to stabilize is limiting to what things could be if you stabilize you are really just staying. You stay at the same comfortable place, you stop your growth, you don't change, you become stagnant. Joel says flow all the time. That's best if you try to hold on to anything you can't move, you cannot line up with the universe because everything is in constant motion. Even when you meditate or center yourself what you are doing is embracing the way that your energy and blood flow through your body so effortlessly. I love when he says our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions, all of these are who we are. So we have to be aware of our thoughts because we are what we think. I began to seriously believe this point. Thoughts that are positive or negative grow accordingly. Either they are exponentially fruitful or exceedingly toxic when they become actions or acts. That is how you create your life either put together or destructive. 

Its almost over

Hello All,
I wish I could be more diligent about writing but sometimes life just takes over, or the last thing I want to do at the end of the day is to stare at a computer screen. So even though it is too many months past here is the update. March was filled with business trying to get ready for a training and getting all the regional coordinators informed on our new project framework. The newly defined and focused goals and objectives for our program are a great improvement. Now instead of focusing so much on the family's infrastructures we are looking at the direct advances of the kids nutrition and development. We are less focused on using indicators like the number of people trained or information related indicators and much more focused on the practices and ensuring improvements in the child's mental and physical development. Following the training I was off to Piura to do supervisions of some volunteer's projects. They are all doing a good job and we focused on strenghtening their organization and M&E skills. It was really cool to get to spend some time with them and help them be more effective or just give them positive feedback. I took advantage to head to La Matanza for a few hours get a nice lunch and catch up with some friends. To my surprise many people had gotten married and had their first baby really exciting to see how everyone was growing up.Then I took a vacation with Joel at the end of the month to celebrate Holy week we went to one of the world's biggest catholic celebrations. They had beautiful processions, created huge works of art on the streets made out of flowers, dancing at night with fireworks and running with the bulls. It was a lot of fun during the days we took advantage to go hiking we visited some preincan ruins, a cave where supposedly the first man lived in the americas, a waterfall and a rock forest. One day we were completely rained on which was freezing at the altitude but the fresh air and gorgeous scenery really helped us relax. In April, I headed to Cajamarca for a week to continue doing supervisions it was my first time to that area and the altitude definitely made it much more challenging to keep up with the hiking. After helping some people get on track in terms of our new framework I took my last day before returning to Lima having a delicious lunch, dipping in the hot springs and after almost 48 hours of traveling in buses and combis on dusty rocky roads I treated myself to a much needed massage. While in lima continued training 3 days a week and got ready for mom's visit. On the 24th Joel fought the current champion of Ecuador as the main event here in Lima, he unfortunately lost and was left needing stitches in the back of the head and behind his ear. It was the most terrifying moment to date to watch the person you love getting battered and then laying unconscious. So we spent a few hours in the ER getting all stitched up, certainly a learning experience. He is taking a few months to recover and will be probably fighting again in July needless to say I will be much more nervous for his next fight. Then mom came to town we went to the beaches in the south and checked out spots to have the wedding ceremony, then we went to PAracas and saw the mini galapagos of sea lions, birds and penguins. Amazing day out on the boat and in general fun trip to be able to share time with Joel and my mom. Mother approved thank goodness! We celebrated my 26th birthday with a haircut, pedicure, museum visit, thai food and some great drinks with exotic fruits. The next day we checked out an archaeological site also preincan civilization and closed out a fun trip with a gourmet lunch. Thanks Mom for coming down. And then back to preparations for another training event. Unexpectedly I was asked to travel to Chiclayo for more supervisions. Followed by another trip back to Piura we spent a week training volunteers, this time I was a facilitator for the behavior change session and helping with the project design and management section after 5 days of talking in strong voice for at least 4 hours a day I was left with a very hoarse voice. Following the training which felt very successful and up to date in terms of ALL the changes we have in the program in work style and priorities I was off to La Matanza again for a day and a half visiting with old friends and taking a short break before heading back to the City life of Lima. It seems like I brought the sun back with me thank goodness because I am not ready for the winter and 6 months of gray skies to begin. I am here for a week getting ready for our NEXT training event in 1 week where we will head to Ancash. So basically lots of traveling getting to see some new places and help volunteers become more effective. I will have June to close out my service and leave everything saved in the computer systems and hopefully in volunteer knowledge and practice to be able to form the following group that should be arriving in September. Oh how time flies, Joel and I are completing soon 1 year of living together. Every month is closer to the end of service I have bought my plane tickets home for July 2, going to CO on July 14 and heading back to Peru on August 2. People keep asking me what is next and to be honest I have not had the time to reflect very much on it, I would like to learn Portuguese, get married, get my residency and then go from there. Beyond that I suppose look for a job or start developing my nutrition business. It seems too hard to think that far into the future as so many things must happen first. I know it is only 2 months away really but the to do list in front of me is so long I can even look up. I can only trust whatever comes will come and it will be good because I will always work hard and do a good job. Sending love and cannot wait to see all of you so SOON!

update

For New Year´s We went out dancing and toasted champagne. Dakar which is a famous car race throughout the world was right in our backyard, so we got to check out all the cars, motos, trucks and quatrimotos. The race lasts 20 days and started in Lima and finished in Argentina, 4 drivers died. It was super intense, and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to ride on uncharted terriotory through the desert for 20 days. It was pretty neat to see. Then I finally learned how to surf, it only took me 3 tries to get up on the board and ride the wave. I really enjoyed the high you get riding the waves. It was kind of like the first time I learned how to stand up on a snowboard. But way more work I really respect more surfers and how physically demanding of a sport it is. We celebrated Joel´s 35 birthday going out to dinner with his sister and brother in law, I bought him new boxing gloves from thailand. And because during the summer time the office hours end at 12pm on Fridays I spent the majority of weekends out on the beach with my coworkers. Nothing overly exciting has been going on with my volunteers. Though we have been doing some staff development trainings in the office which have been interesting. Joel went to fight in Brasil, unfortunately he did not win but it was a huge deal and opened doors to future oportunities. I continue to train 3 days a week and have started somewhat of a movement. We now have 10 other girls who started to train as well, and each week another girl comes. I think that we are going to develop this sport and finally have some competition of girls. Last night, history was made as Ronda Ramsey and Liz Komuch fighting in the UFC for the first time women fighting in the UFC and even more exciting as the main event. This is an opportunity and an advance in the sport and serves as a motivation to keep training. In Febraury more beach time and going out dancing. Lots of meetings in work making plans for the next 2 years of work. On the weekends we have been taking care our pitbull Leya. She is beautiful and 2 years old. We are teaching her how to play frisbee which some days she does very well and other days she just wants to eat it. Life has been pretty relaxed in the last 2 months. We hosted a seminar where one of the most famous coaches in MMA came from Brasil and did a 5 hour training. It was well organized and had a good turn out. I participated as well and it was really incredible to learn from someone with so much experience and talent. Him and his wife were lovely people and it was reassuring to see a couple that had made an empire of gyms and a life out of training fighters. I have decided to finish sooner my service and will be back stateside for 4th of July, some birthdays and for Liz´s wedding on the 21st. I will head back to Peru no longer a volunteer as of August. It is weird to think that I will no longer be part of this organization and at the same time I feel that my passion has started to wain in the presence of inadequate, short sighted, spineless leadership. It is also terrifying to not have that safety nedt and security of what you are doing and having someone else tell you what to do, when and how to do it. But I continue to try to respect that the future is the present. So that my anxiety does not consume me and prevent me from enjoying all the good things that are happening in the present.
For 2013 I suppose my goals have much to do with these really cool messages that I have been finding painted on walls in the streets or in restaurants and cafes.The 7 advices of Rumi:
1)Be like the river in generosity and helping others
2) Be like the sun in compassion and grace
3) Be like the night in concealing others faults
4) Be like the dead in anger and fury
5) Be like the soil in modesty and humility
6) Be like the ocean in tolerance
7) Either you appear as you are or be as you appear
These seem like really solid concepts to live life by and to bring you happiness.