from here to there

So Lima was a great experience getting to meet up with and see the progress that all the volunteers of my program are making. I am extremely proud to be a part of this group I think we are all very dedicated and have certainly worked hard this year. It is crazy to think about the year as a whole all the hardship and breakthroughs. I really enjoyed getting to meet up with my three girl friends who are always like a breath of fresh air and inspire me to keep pushing. I was taken aback because we did a self esteem activity and all my co workers and boss wrote positive messages anonymously on a piece of paper. I did not realize how much and how many people respect my work and me as a person. As for my health I did not have anything wrong no thyroid issues, STDS, or parasites. So then I headed back to my site and got back to work for a week getting everything in place for 2011. I submitted my Nutrition Project to the municipality I have no idea if they are going to approve it and am actually a little nervous if they do because it is a huge undertaking on top of my Healthy Households Project. But I am sure that it is all manageable and honestly if it achieves its objectives I will have seriously changed the lives of entire families. Then there were some parties for Christmas and end of the year. My office is getting a face lift. I got newly painted yellow and green walls, hardwood floors, and a fixed bathroom. From some lucky project there will be Early Childhood Stimulation in that office which I will probably help teach at least once a week in the afternoons. I am just excited because it is absolutely gorgeous. I had a coordinator come in and check out my work and life. He was really impressed with how much the moms I teach have learned and adapted to their lives these techniques and information. Then I packed up my bags and traveled two days to the USA to spend Xmas with the family. It was crazy seeing snow and suffering in the cold weather. I got to go to a Xmas party with a friend and we went carolling around the neighborhood. It was an unexpected and great meet up with an old friend. Then my mom and I packed the bags and headed to PA to see my grams in her new apartment. I have to say it is weird not going to her old house that I grew up in. But it was time to downsize. I accept this was probably the last time I will see her. So to celebrate our lives we got drunk together and it was the most fun I have ever had with her and the best memory I will carry in my heart. A different friend showed up and got the experience of my family. She said that meeting my grams explained exactly why I am the way that I am. I could not agree more she is my hero for her antics and I try to take after her the best I can. Xmas was calm I spent the two days cooking for my family it is nice to give back to them. On a side note I love dishwashers, hot showers, and more than anything a washing machine. Then my engaged friends showed up and we talked for a bit before my mom and I came back to MD. Shopping with gift cards I think my mom wanted to kill me because literally there are a million choices and the variety here just blows my mind and so I was touching and reading and looking at everything I think had she not been there to put a stop to it all I could have easily been in any store especially a book store or grocery store for hours on end without noticing. And as of today I am headed back to Peru. I feel like I am going back with the same energy that I originally went there with and at one year you start getting a little fatigued or uncertain in your decision making. So this trip was exactly what I needed to refresh and regroup and remember why I went there and more so why I am there now. I will try to be better at blogging because I learned how many of yall are actually reading so I will try to do it at least every two weeks if not more. I wrote this the day I spent in lima at a mall on my way to the states:
Same place different time staring into the expanse of corporations. Cars zoom by, pure pavement, high heels click clack. I see a desert. I see emptiness and needs not being fulfilled. I keep wondering if this is development. If when we work day in and day out it is all with this goal in mind. Because I do not feel like pushing button, nicely dressed selling unnecessary things is what development is all about. If everyone works in the same thing and everything is technology and shiny clean. It is not likely people or the society as a whole will survive we need agriculturalist. Because people need food more than they need fuel, clothes, gas, and electricity. I want people to be healthy and safe. I certainly wish for them financial stability but never all this. I do not feel like everyone driving a car, perfectly fashionable, and mega malls is progress. I think the middle class is the only one that has it all. Work, decent pay, family, friends, free time, health, security, education. Above and below there are many problems and a harshness that prevents happiness.
So I wish for you all in the new year that we evaluate what is really important to us, is what we are doing a means to an end or an end? Are we only working to better ourselves or others as well? Do we think that pain is a terrible thing or just as important and necessary as pleasure? Are we seeking happiness or just immediate gratification? Leave the bs from 2010 behind and build on the base or get back to the basics. Happy New Year.I love you, be good.

sickly

Lets see it was the Aniversary of my site last week which was full of dancing competitions, singing competitions, seranades, cooking competitions and fireworks, Lots of good music good sights and good times. i made a sweet shrit out of a piece of green fabric and safety pins. and dancing my tail off. I prepared a guinea pig dish to present as a nutritional dish during the food competition. In the agriculutral fair i taught about how to do compost, basic nutrition, handwashing, and the breeding of guinea pigs. I think i am starting a sweet business for my friend to gain money with. Been hanging out with my moms lately checking how the cookstoves are cooking they are excellent everyone is incredibly satisfied. I think i saved a three month old baby from dying from a high fever. By making the mom bathe her child. I had a worlds aids day event that turned out fairly poorly but i did succeed in teaching about 20 people how to use a condom right. Then taught a different day to one of my english classes about the subject and they said they had never heard anything about HIV or AIDs before so that is good. Then I recently left my site to come to lima for our mid service meetings and medical checks. I will get to see the damage this past year has taken out on me. I am grateful beceause for the past two weeks i have been pretty sick with vomiting and diahrrea and overall no apetite which leaves me weak and tired pretty much all the time. so one week in the big city then i go back for a week to my site and then i am off to the states to visit my familia. Cant wait ill keep yall updated on my bill of health.

surrender

I went on vacation and was reading through old journal entries I found this one interesting, March 21, 2010:
Trust the head or the heart. I always say trust the head it is so much more reasonable than the heart. Because well scientifically is has the capacity to reason. The heart led me here (Peru), the head got me here. And at one point the ideas and sentiments were congruent. But then they disconnected and the heart tried to decapacitate me, to leave the head lying in a ditch in order to romanticize and run rampant completely senseless. While the head reasonably weighed the alternatives and recognized that the removal of the heart was reckless for is would lead to its own demise. So it left it be sending subliminal messages deflating its exuberant and exulted status. They fought and quarreled for some time before they exhausted their every point or passion. The end result was the only proper conclusion that they had to exist in balance. That one could not survive without the other. So while the mind tried to resolve why it had arrive here the heart in its fits of lust or passion could not find the words to explain what impulsed them into the current reality. Still they wrestle and suffocate one another. Still they hinder the progress of the individual when they are not in alliance. Still the heart remains frivolous and the head remains frigid. And that is why a person has them both. Why is always so incredibly apparent when someone has left the balance. When the scale has flipped or flopped entirely because the person tips and leads a life either so bland or so topsy-turvy that these people can hardly function in reality. Others will almost inevitably talk about how sad their life is completely dull or utterly destructive. The head causes the knee jerk in order to rein in the control of decision making and the heart flares to burn the lasso and loosen the grip of perceived reality. The situation remains your heart pulses to explore the difference and the mind continually reminds of the tarnishing truth.

The 14 cook stoves are built the mothers are happy. I thought that rain would ruin everything I had worked so hard to build but as it turns out everything is going to be ok. I have submitted the project for next year and hope to do 21 more. Depending on the municipality for funding. I think they will support me because Saturday there will be a ceremony to inaugurate the cook stoves. The last training in the Parent School I decided would be a Money Management course related with the drinking problem that my town has. It was perhaps a little complex for the parents but they did leave with the idea they need to work on cutting silly costs and not drink so much. The library got 100 new books. There is still so much to do that I will never get done even with the year to come. I wish that people would be more participative it would make my job a heck of a lot easier. I could achieve so much more but instead I am just dragging away at this really slow pace with a very few people. I realize that any change is a great accomplishment. But when you see so much and so many people and know that you can do so little, it is debilitating and distracting. However, I am seeing the end of the tunnel for the year. I sometimes feel I have done a whole lot of nothing. Although I recognize I have a rather shot gun approach to development. I know that people who work very hard to achieve particular goals frequently fail to achieve them but rather succeed with other outcomes. Thus I have done a whole lot in the hopes that some of it sticks and accomplishes something for someone. Whether or not I know about that change, influence, or effect is not very important to me. My friend told me not to surrender as I am running around a little defeated lately. So i will not surrender.

the word is patience

Lets see on a positive note i have been builiding improved cooking stoves finished the evaluation of the moms and found that they had learned a lot and changed their habits and overall their kids are a lot less sick. Wonderful. I am now teaching men that women can also do physically demanding labor, use a machete, hammer, and shovel without damaging oneself. I suppose I did that in the states a little too. Anyways the builds have been mostly fun mostly easy. Except for securing the materials has been a repeating theme. I cannot seem to get my bricks where they need to go. Which has meant me lifting a 1,000 5 lb bricks and trying to get as many as could handle on to a motocar and hauling them to various places. Which is why in the month of october i wil be gettign a nice slim figure only to destroy it in the month of december. Yes it is all good. Then there was a random rain storm that no one would have predicted which got my bricks poorly formed almost ruined and meant i could not use them for days. then the guy who was making them said that someoone had stolen the bricks that had just finally dried. geeze oh man have i been cussing up a storm. my mother keenly put it torrets lady for change. ha so truly hilarious. yesterday i went to check on the first improved stove to see if tehy had started using it turns out someone has stolen the materials that make it an improved stove instead of a plan old everyday stove. more cussing, 2 tears, lots of laughing followed by phone calls and contemplation of my lifes purpose. 2 hours later i was building another stove in another place and deciding to make it the most beautiful one i had ever made. Today i am going to build a platform for a bathroom or rather learn. these weeks have been filled will learning. overall the message keeps being wait and have patience i would like to shove all the patience i have in the mouth of the next person that says that to me and watch their heads explode with tranquility. So honestly though i am as bitter as i sound but not nearly as angry. teehee. In other news the health center is in an indefinte strike which means that i will not be able to work there until they decide to stop with that silliness. Busy planning an agricultural fair with some other authorities for the upcoming aniversary of my town, big deal. People keep saying donkey races and i keep saying i think it is a bad idea i suppose we could opt for some other animal violence if they so please but i was think more educational. the war on violence might actually nowadays be a war against entertainment. i tried teaching sex ed to the people my age in the town well organized no one showed up not surprising. best part was not even my idea they asked me to do it and then confirmed it and then still did not come. reasons why i work with individuals instead of groups so much more realiable and with better results. the party season is apparently going to be starting in full force very soon i however am going to the beach to escape the maddness. I need a vacation i do not like yelling at people even when they deserve it. so i talk with the mayor and then he yells at people. it pays to be homies with the mayor. i got gifted a rooster the otherday that was exciting. i gave back the puppy the day after i got it on account of i do not like things that keep me up at night crying. I accidently almost killed it twice once with flea powder and then another dog almost ate it. twice in 12 hours. in the 13th hour i left it in more competent hands. or at least i thought because then two days later it got stolen. confirmed i am not a dog person and i am never going to be ready to have children. apparently lots of things get stolen around here. i thought i had lost my enthusiasm but i really havent because well workng with the moms makes me happy and shows progess and makes me think i am actually making a difference. 5 months, 13 improved stoves and four bathrooms later i know i have to stay here but man yesterday it was hard to pick myself back up off the floor. life moves on if none of it matters to anyone else it matter alot to me which is really all the is important at the end of the day. the mayor told me you have to believe in your own work and abilities because perhaps no one else will but if you know what you do you will keep doing great things. and so the final word is patience.

Finding God

So i tried this religious pilgrimage which should have been 4 days of basically nonstop walking. i originally thought that it was going to be highway walking. But soon found out that it was taking short cuts through fields, streams, hills, and mountains. The walking was great at first we left before sunrise and got to the river just as the sun was saying good morning. I helped a guy friend cross the river on my back so that he would not have to get his shoes wet. Then we stopped for a quick breakfast 10 minutes and headed on ward to the first check point. It was enjoyable and refreshing though i quickly realized that my bag would be too heavy to succeed for four days. So in the first stop i unloaded all of what could have been considered unnecessary and we headed on at that point the sun was up and strong beads of sweat dripping, clouds of dust being kicked up by our footsteps. The path is questionably marked so many times we guessed on which path to take when there was a fork in the dirt stretch. By one we had arrived to the second check point my butt was chaffed, my eyes tired by the strength of the sun. Half hour and we are back in the running. I honestly could not calculate how far we were walking except that we would walk for about 2 or 3 hours and then rest for in between 15 to 30 minutes max. My feet had already been showing signs that they would be blistering out in the afternoon. At 4 we took a quick nap in the shade of a church and I was informed that there would not be bathing until the following day which was disconcerting considering my shirts were soaked in sweat to the extent that you could see the salt lines. Wake up continue forward the intensity of the sun has finally rested a little after about another 2.5 hours of windy roads through small country towns. In the distance there are beautiful lush mountains which seem like a different world from the dry desert like surrounding we are walking through. My friend makes the observation that it looks like africa. The road has straightened out but is now rockier little pebbles keep trying to penetrate my weakening feet. The cracks in the ground appear as if in a second the ground could give out into a sink pit. I am too intent on trying to arrive to worry. On foot after the other. Finally we rest. I position myself on top of a rock to evaluate the damage that has become my feet. I was givien the advice to wear socks with my sandals. It was a mistake trapping that moisture and heat created the perfect environment for blisters. I have 4 large blisters which are making it more difficult to keep pace with the leader. A strong tall women in her late forties who does not outwardly appear in excellent shape but has maintained an impressive and challenging pace. i remove the socks take out a needle heat it with a lighter and pop them in the hopes that it will alleviate some of the pain. i begin to question exactly what i have gotten myself into and whether it was worth the pain. the majority of these people have made a 3 to 5 year commitment to god to make this trek in the hopes of getting their prayers answered. and i still have no good solid reason why i am doing this. all i know is that i better find one to keep going. we get up i toss the socks and continue. as we pass through the town where we were supposedly going to spend the night we have made good time and the leader says we are going to continue on until we get to the next large camp. i get frustrated not knowing exactly how far it will be and getting heavy with sleepiness, pain, and dehydration. after an hour i am almost brought to tears because the pain is past unmanageable and the worry about dehydration begins to set in. between towns there is no water, no place to buy water, no water to be found not even a dirty stream. my friend notes my anxiety and says dont worry its 15 minutes away. which translates to another hour. we stumble upon a stream the sun has almost completely set and a river is ahead. i fill a water bottle and put in the chlorine tabs just in case there is nothing farther ahead to help. i eat an apple in the meanwhile because i am so thirsty and my mouth has become dry with a terrible taste. perhaps the taste of reality as to what i have committed myself to. as the 8 oclock hour approaches we arrive at a camp. we throw down our large pieces of plastic and the leader tells me to sleep i have been brought to quiet tears of pain, uncertainty, exhaustion, and fear. my friend luckily buys me a water before they run out of stock. the rest of the group is already deep asleep while my friend is sewing my blisters shut with a needle and thread he says that it will help dry them out. another women close by is screaming with pain as a man rubs down her leg and ankle. i whisper under my breath that i completely understand. in my silence i observe hundreds of people dirty, tired, snoring, shivering, or curing their ailments. the thin blanket i have is not enough to keep warm. every half hour a mototaxi passes by my face missing me only by a few inches. every 45 minutes another group packs up calls role prays and heads off in the middle of the night to follow the path to redemption. after only four hours of questionable sleep we are heading out ourselves at midnight. my blisters are now at a count of 7 they are not drying they are still hurting. i decide i will dedicate my thoughts to my grandmother and the recently passed grandmother of my boyfriend. i run through my lifetime of memories with my grandmother and remember her strength and support that she has given me in times of weakness. i run through memories of bikes, dolls, cookies, vanilla milk in cartons, church, fairs, science museum trips, front porch chats, gumdrops in the candy jar, Esmeralda's castle, coloring books, slip and slides, a childhood. i think about her endless faith in god and how if i make it to the end of this trip that i too would believe in god. for these hours of darkness we walk with flashlights try not to stumble over rocks. it is now becoming an uphill journey. while the memories are distracting me from the pain every misstep takes the ground out from under me the skin of the blisters shifts forwards as my body slides back i feel that i have lost all grounding. but we just keep going step after step, the night is calm and cool. but my body is sweating i find myself stripping off layers so as to not soak all my warm clothes. we are now in a larger crowd but the path has diminished to a one person lane so the pressure is on to keep the pace. i am struggling but will make no complaint or falter. the people are watching me as a gringa something i hate to be. and in these hours i feel i am representing an entire race our ability, perseverance, strength. the pressure is on the pace is set, foot after foot. we arrive to the first break of the morning. people are surprised i have made it this far. i hide behind a house to put baby powder on my severely chaffed butt cheeks. as we rest the top of my right foot begins to pulse with pain. from then on the bottom hurts as i walk. the tension runs from my foot to my knee i suspect it is tendon. but luckily within minutes the priority pain of blisters takes back over and i can no longer feel this new pain. with the light of my flashlight we advance in front of another group. i continue with thoughts of my grandmother times in my adolescence the more difficult years the rebellion and her unwavering love and faith in me. i remember being on the beach, i giggle at the memory of us on a jetski, stealing bowling shoes, and talking out on the dock. it is the first time i smile in perhaps 12 hours. i keep pushing myself we get to the next rest i am freezing because all my clothes are soaked with sweat and morning sun has yet to peek through and provide heat. i sleep for a half hour sitting with my arms around my knees face in my forearms. i am awoken by the stir of people i am shivering and once more we move on. at 5 am there are only three of us in what seems like the middle of no where. my girl friend has become a hunchback with the weight of her bag and back pain. there is no more talking no more pleasantries. we turn off the flashlights in the illumination of dusk. the gray that engulfs leaves me trying to decide to continue or quit. my mind says stay my body says hell no we wont go. i can tell that by the look of my friend he wants me to return. i am slowing down the group and he is just concerned with the state of my health. i ask what he would do he lies and tells me he would quit. i know he wouldnt. at 6 we arrive to the next town. the leader of the group has already arranged my transport without even asking my opinion. i tell her i want to continue she tells me it would be foolish to ruin my health to only make it half way. i have no room or energy left to argue. i surrender. i examine the damage my feet are filthy and done literally burned out. we get off the bus in the capital and i cannot walk. my muscles have frozen, my butt cheeks are raw, my tendon is in standstill my blisters are refilling with fluid and already filled with dirt and rocks, my back a shoulders are tense, my head hurts from dehydration. i limp slowly like road kill still fighting to cross the road. i get home and sleep i shower later. my family calls a nurse tech to clean out my feet. she flushes out the blisters and then fills them with antibacterial cream that causes a shooting pain. this nurse tech is the most feminist women in my town and she stares at me blankly and says this is man stuff, your feet this kind of nonsense is for men. i yell at her trying to defend the strength of women taken aback by her commentary. i realize though i am only defending my own stupidity so my quarrels fall on deaf ears. after which i could no longer walk. i have lost my pride, i have failed my journey, i have lost about 6 pounds and my independence. I have to ask for assistance with everything. i did not arrive to believing in god but my respect for the human body and faith grew exponentially. i spent days rather envious of those who arrived and then realized that it would have almost been dirty if i had made it. i would be contradicting the very thing that gets people to the top of the mountain. so instead i just admire and hope that the concept of church and god will do more positive than negative things in the world. there is always next year, si dios quiere.

the whats what

I got to judge another beauty pagent but this one was of 2 year old girls and it was probably the most adorable thing I have seen. The girl that one was a ham and their question they had to answer was what was their name. All but two of the contestants had the right answer. I have been to more beauty pagents this year than I have even watched on tv in my life. That is how they celebrate spring here. I think it is funny because weather wise spring does not exist. There is hot which is winter and hotter like the surface of the sun with rain during summer. I wish that one year old birthday parties in the states could be half the event that they are here. Huge dance parties with clowns and so much good food and sugery treats that you can hardly control yourself. I got to celebrate two in one week. So I just got back to site I was in a training about behavior change. It was interesting and i definately learned alot about how to seriously go about getting people to change a habit. It was in Ica which is in the south of the country it was a desert but I got to go hike a sweet sand hill next to an oasis. Then I tried sandboarding which means I can check it off my list of things to do this year. it is much more pleasant to fall in sand than it is to fall in snow. but also more messy I hate when you get sand in your ear and buttcrack. It has More give but it is also a lot slower. Definately missing snowboarding or even just snow. Then we checked out a place where they make pisco which was like touring an antique vineyad because they aer still using traditional techniques. Super fun, followed by a taste testing. Got back home to the crazies of politics where today is the election that is going to decide my success or failure the upcoming year. Apparently there is still a chance that someone will be killed in my town before the night is over. Man never seen anything like this. I am starting a new dance group with some members of the old group we are looking for more freedom and participation. Which is great because I seriously miss dancing. Finishing the educational part of my healthy households and starting the evals. I will be going on a religious pilgramage on wednesday where I will be walking for four days and one of which is up a mountain. So that should give me time to reflect on life and get a chance to better know some community members. I am still working hard on the nutrition stuff I am succeeding in recuperating some kids. It is a fight with other moms. But it makes all the difference in the world. just replanted some beans and radishes. I have a tomatoe plant and rose plant. I will be trying to plant strawberries this week and am experimenting with organic fertilizers. I hope that my head does not explode in the next month, I am now experimenting with building really rustic latrines and the improved cook stoves will be in construction this month as well. I hope you all say i love you to your grand mothers as a friend of mine just lost his and it is so unfortunate. So I love you grams be well and good luck with surgery and recovery. For the moment I just feel stuck not knowing who is going to win this election. It is seriously worse than the last presidential election in the states. It is because politics decide everything here and that one person while he does have advisors really makes all the decisions and if he does not like you than your life can get complicated in the case of funding i may be needing assistance. I will let you all know in the future. I was really enjoying that the municipality was responsible for paying for these projects. That for me is progress on their part and sustainable from a developement sense. I will also be holding a meeting to see if there are families that just want to buy the stoves. I would be able to build so much more if they would buy them themselves and it would mean taht they would take better care of them too. So it would end up lasting a lot longer. Oh I got gifted a dog this morning by my boyfriend. I realize I have not brought him up until now but in november we will be completing a year. Anyways it is one of those dogs that taught us how to count on sesame street super pretty black and cute. I have a deal that I will only be keeping it for 3 months until it is not longer a puppy and then I am giving it back to him to be a guard dog. I am naming her lucy short for lucifer and he is naming her dana. He says it is a character that represents hope in the end of a process. In buddism it refers to the act of giving both are deep and pretty but for at least three months it will be lucy. Because I think i am hilarious. thats all for now. Love yall

Talk about poop

Spent the morning vacciating my guinea pigs and then learning how to cook cows blood. There is a really great recipe for preventing anemia by tricking people into thinking that it is choclate. I kid you not choclate blood excellent combination. Then I got real sick again that day unrelated to the blood thing. I am not sure exactly what happened but lord knows that what comes out that fast has no intention of staying very long. So anywho I slept it off and am feeling quite better. Always fun calling my mom and having her diagnose me with random and obscure disease. Love you mom perhaps someday you will be right. Then today had to get back to work quite quickly. Spent the morning doing nutritional consults with a bunch of moms in the hopes of preventing malnutrion in at risk children and recovering the already malnourished. Had a training in the afternoon with my healthy households moms and the nurse about parasites. I do not know whether it should be to my happiness or dismay that the majority of my participants told me that their children are malnourished or have parasites. I guess this is what bringing awareness is all about. They seem to be learning the information I can only hope they are using it. I have heard some stories that they tell me they were going to do one thing but since I told them do try something new they tried it and it worked. I think I might be suceeding in changing their minds and then perhaps their health and they are empowred to decide and change their own lives. So I am really busy I am evaluating health promoters right now and training them on their weaknesses. I finally finished teaching sex ed which is a relief of my time and hopefully they understand what happens if they have sex. Because I saw another 17 year old scared, unprepared, and giving birth to a 2 lb infant which is truly heartbreaking on so many levels. I just wish they would understand the consequences of their actions. Also last week we had another parent school event. It was about domestic violence it involved about 35 teachers, 4 schools, and 350 parents. It is a pain in my ass project that I want nothing to do with but the expectation was set by the previous volunteer so I have to at least this year. Next year I am leaving it to swim or float. But no longer will it be my headache, though it is teaching me how to be more computer savvy. I made a sweet trifold pamphlet for the first time. Ha go to the third world to get better at computer skills when will my life stop being an oxymoron.
So what is up with everyone getting engaged or thinking about getting engaged. If I had any inkling that it was something I was looknig to do in the near future I would be having an anxiety attack. But congrats to all those happy couples. I think I will stick it solo until I figure out all my lifes plans and get to live out my dreams. Before I was thinking about the world food program but not I am thinking about this NGO named GAIN which works on preventing and treating malnutrition in India. Either way I do feel like I found my career. I know I could do so much in nutrition here, so much more than I could in the states. Nothing is certain in the future but I see myself in this line of work for probably the next 15 years if I do not burn myself in the next 2 years. There is just so much to do and see and teach and learn. By the way just caught a kid watching porn in the cabina next to me super awkard. giggles. Last friday there was a beauty pagent in the high school. As an event during the day they had two candidates box. Afterwards I got to box with one of the guys who organized it. He told me I hit hard and it was a ligit fight except for I lost. I will be training so that I can bring down male superacy. Then that night I judged the beauty pagent. It was all very interesting and unexpected. I celebrated my one yera in country the other day I got myself a facial, leg wax, and pedicure. It took me feeling very sorry for the girl cleaning my feet to realize just how far I had let myself go. It wsa the first pedicure I had in over a year in my defense. Ah well its not all beauty and glam. Loves

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

so first and formost i would like to say happy birthday to my life long inspiration and hero my grams. I would have never blossomed in the woman i am today without her support and advice and unconditional love. I would love to be there to celebrate but unfortunately you will have to drink a manhattan, smoke a cigarette, and eat a piece of chocolate cake dedicated to your life and granddaughter. As for me things are very busy with all the projects coming together. I work hard and am learning about myself everyday. I will be finishing sex ed in the high school and starting with a more intensive class if you will with the youth in my site. They have lots of questions about sex and no one to give them the answers. I have this idea if i can teach them they wont get pregnant so early or have as many children which might in fact change the future of this town all together. Here is a journal entry but I am going to leave some blanks for names so as not to cause problems. You all can infer which organizations and countries belong in the blanks. "I do not think the path of service is noble because we come from a different country full of amenities. I think it is much easier our path to change. People are more likely to listen to outsiders, host and treat kindly a foreigner from an "advanced" culture. Whereas the average country man would first have to distance himself enough from the situation to become self aware, develop a desire to change to improve the lives of others, determine a plan of action, resolve a means to do so and than fight relentlessly against ignorance and criticism. That is a grander feat. I am incredibly grateful that Ghandi lived and led and taught what one person could do. And he held strong to the truth perhaps it was only his truth but the most important way to live life is to know oneself and be true to that self. He saw through the impressions and found the impressive. Accumulation of worldly things did not matter as richness lies in the soul. That money oculd not achieve justice. That work must be done well and be intrinsically motivated. That quality of work is not success or failure but commitment undying commitment to the mission to the poeple involved and people affected. People looked at him as a godlike figure because they failed to recognize that they too were capable of the same greatness. I agree that one must leave a country and live in another in order to see clearly their native land. Not because you can compare one country to another but rather because you learn how to critique a country. When you are away you slowly grasp the reality of your other life. And then once you are there in the old country you expand on the hypothesis formed. You later have the ability o evaluate the severity of the problem, and look for resolution. His time in south africa helped him recognize that his real fight belonged to India. So i think about what would need to be done in the ___. We are already free or independent however actions should be taken to free the rest of the world from our terrible informal and occasionally indirect rule. One would be the food system. Which i have argued in the past would need to be destroyed to be repaired. All of the exploitation of land in other countries forces nutritional problems, deficiences, and civil war. When there is not enough food in the country one can be cerrtain that the ____ is somehow involved. Largely because the food mass produced in the ____ is given to animales to control the price on the world market. The price on world scale is generally more expensive than other countries can pay. Also other countries lack food security on account that they have been persueded to plant non food crops. When the crop failes or deflates everyone loses their chance to eat because there is no food to buy or sustain the country. The crop is inedible such as coffee sugar cane cotton and no one can buy food from the rich. When food causes war malnutrition cries as loud as the stomach pains of children with bloated stomachs. The intellectual and physical consequences of this malnutirion debilitates an already weakened country. These chldren will die sononer, live sickly, be weaker than the competition, dumber than their companionsand, more or less worthless. Economically speaking these people are a bureden on social services for a lifetime. Unable to fend for themselves they must suckle from the teat of the motherland. And the ____ just keeps on polluting, displacing migrant workers with machinery that further disrupts the natural balance and other chemicals used do not function properly and instead of removing pests we acutally eliminate ourselves using these dangerous unfounded, unstudied, unapproved chemical compounds in the hopes of increasing yield just so tha we can burn it all in the end. Now the food is being produced as a fuel, more crisis is certain to enrage and irrupt. The illusion is that there is excess production meanwhile many mouths remain hungry. How can such an outrageous proposterous idea seem like the best way of managing food. Food should be food and fuel should come from a waste product instead of an agricultural product. Thinking green is far from thinking ecological, it is truly greed and envy. The distribution of food to the needy should trump our need to drive more than one car around the block. The bigger plans are what others fail tosee. The ____ and the ____ continue to plot and pulverize third world countries as a means to destroy the competition. The idea of creating a way to be green is counter productive. Green is honestly simple it is small and monotonous it is a piece of land, some animals, wwalking , using the waste of humans and animals to grow more food. To enrich the siol that is currently spoiling. It is singular production for a single household. Mass scale production sacrifices quality, flavor, nutritional content of food. It births food products which degrade the organism. The preservaives we consume cause cancer, obesity, heart disease. All people must die but dying slowly and painfully just seems unjust for us to force other countries to suffer the prolonged prolog. Living poor does not seems so bad when they can plant. Without hunger, with education poverty does not appear to be a horrible existence. Accumluation is to buy thngs most people do not need. When needs can be met at a minimal price why do we insist to want more? Why cant everyone give share and get. No we will not grow substaincially but we could grow at the appropriate rate instead of accelerating the speed at which everyone consumes and contributing contamination that is wrecking the potencial of future. The ___ gives untested or unapproved chemicals to the third world. Substances proven to be too dangerous or unfit for human consumption. And then the production from these poeple goes in the the water and the food is contaminated to a people are poisoned and sometimes die. Meanwhile the ___ turns a blind eye. Its primary objective is earn more at all costs to gain profits and initiate debts. The ___ in the third world provide loans that will never possibily be gained from the food produced. They oversell to undercut to low blow and exaggerately or unnecessarily deprive the destitute. And who benefits from all these manipulatively ingenious schemes, a few rich men beautifully dresseed living in immense hones loving their luxiourous lives. They have more money than they can spend. It sits in investments in foreign bank accounts untouched but certainly accounted for. Whilst people, families, children suffer from hunger pains, diarrhea, curable diseases lead to deathly conclusions or temporary conditions turn into life long consequences. All could be treated or prevented. All projects require money. It is not a lack of voluntud or personnel they exist they try they fight they hope and wait for the pennies to flow from familiar faces or competitive grants. Why cant everyone get fuded to do good things for the greater cause. Why do the minority financially control the progress of minority groups? They should losen their grip on their money sacks or robin hood should return. Not for any personal benefit to but rather to realize campaigns, activities, and programs that could change lives. There will always be enough money unfortunately pride and prestige interrupt anyones ability to do the right things to have a conscience. So goals for teh development workers should actually be make being impoverish more marketable make being generous trendy. Make funding an NGO the way to go for all these rich folks looking for a sweet tax break and some great publicity. Get rid of these foundations that assist already safe or saved people and give it to memebers trying to provoke change and better the quality of life of a minority majority. Stop planning so much and start doing more. If funding was not such a pain tosecure more poeple would be out pushing the evoluton of mankind through the kindness of man. Synergy is the flow that could accomplish incredible and improbable feats. Funding and people willing to work relentlessly for little or no compensation. Taht is what the world needs. More exposure. Not the the slutty skin or sexual expose but rather exposure of full, raw, unmistakeable, nauseating exposure of the realities of harsh lives the poverty extreme, cyclic, sicklic and unchanging poverty. That contributes to further malnutrition, underemployment, lack of education, lack of appropraite upbringing, resentfulness, and suspiciousness. Survial tactics including prostitution, crime, sexdual abuse. alcoholism, drug selling, drug abuse, low self esteem, early pregnancy. This is virtually inescapalbe unless someone from the outside swoops in a teaches people to save themselve. Taht they are capable persons and breaks what could be an endless chanin of misery and unfulfilling existence. Life is about loving yourself and others, learning that the greater good is always more than any individual´s pleasure. It is a decision more poeple should make giving a hand instead of kicking and spitting on the already bloody messes of the world. When a country is poor the poepl cannot overcome the situation. It is commonly the result of policy change and decisions made from the top or outsiders. So when people keep trying to enter another country it is because life is so much easier in one of the high roller countries. The majority of immigrants believe that it is their only way to a new and improved life and it is because they are right. Within their own country they will never earn money or get a good education or live securely because of national debts, depletion of natural resources and exploitation. So perhaps before people criticize others they should see the equation from both sides. Get out of their comfort zone and see how cruel the world can be and how cruel most of us are. Not doing anything is just as bad as instigating a problem."

busy bunny

SO yes I have been working like a mad woman. I find it interesting that you can never seem to learn enough information on any one subject. Especially sex I had no idea how complicated sex was and all the psychology that goes into the decisions we make and the anatomy and then the gender roles,sexuality, birth control methods, pregnancy planning, safe pregnancies, and after care. And so I am becoming a sex expert for real. And then I am trying to train the rest of the twenty somethings in my youth group so that they can train the like 12-18 year olds in my site. I figure it is better to get sex advice from some one older than it is to get it from a 13 year old when you are a 13 year old you know. It would just add confusion to confusion. So I am changing the goals of my health program so that they make more sense. I work with moms and youth or people my own age or high school. Those are my main population. Then third would be babies. I should take pictures because you all would not believe how many babies actually love me. Still personally do not want my own though I do hear about it on a daily basis. how I shoul dget married and have babies already. It is so true though the more you know about sex the less you want to have it. Lets see still training mama bears about the flu and trying to get important members of the municipality involved in the process. Speaking of municipality so we are in election time and on loud speakers all day long I hear propoganda and songs about who we should vote for and in the night there are caravans of people and cars chanting. Ridiculous I keep waiting for a dance war to break out or soemthing more dramatic. But nothing. Boo.

return

Well I did in fact get my office. I had my first few patients on Monday. I think at the end of everything I will definitely make a big difference working there. The majority of my work is talking about beliefs that people have about food and sickness. They do not give their kids certain foods for fear that they will get sick. While the reality is the opposite in the majority of the cases. I have renamed my worm Gustavo. Oh I also got a bacterial infection in my intestine. Made me sick and knocked me out for a few days. I have retired from the dance group for a while. Which has given me more time to study nutritional studies and hang out with friends, climb mountains, and relax my body. I am still hopeful that someday I will return. I have spent the last week in training about improved cooking stoves, gardens, breeding of small animals, and latrines. I learned quite a bit which will be helpful in the near future because in October I will be building more improved cook stoves. I vaccinated a duck and deloused bunnies that were covered in lice. As a result I probably have some fleas or something. I learn new things everyday. It was great to bring this guy for my youth group as I think he learned a lot. And he is super interested in helping me with sex education because I guess no one received that information. Then I am still doing these trainings which are still very fun and hopeful. It was great to see the other volunteers and hear what they are up to. There is so much work to get done but I try to keep focused on smaller groups so as to be effective. But I get discouraged that there will not be enough time to do it all. And then I feel pressure from my boss to do more but I do not know if there are enough hours in the day. Seeing as we lack funding and we sometimes lack technical ability or sometimes the people do not show up or are not participative. All of which puts some serious holes in plans. I do my best I wish that she would recognize that. But perhaps she is just the type of person that believes that constantly pushing people will make them better. I think that there should be a balance. Oh well I came back to site today. I will write more soon. Miss yall.

perspective

Things may be looking up. I have finally got my health promoters and some of the health professionals working well in this improved house project. I already held two trainings which went smoothly and were actually quite fun. I am potentially getting my own space in the health post where I will be working as a Nutritiionist two days a week. I am hoping that it will improve some cases of malnutrition. Right now all the kids in my early childhood stimulation group have parasites. I also believe I have a worm that i have named fredrico. Sex education continues in the high school and tomorrow we have a recycling event. My new garden is beautiful, my plants are growing and I am already eating radishes. The guinea pigs are also growing I have about 60 right now and 5 are pregnant so the population will be growing. I have decided that it is less important what people think about my work and more important that I keep doing what I am doing and building relationships. My dance group just celebrated its aniversary I danced jungle which involved body paint, lots of skin, fire circle, covering boys with powder and shaking it alot. Super fun. I have along with my best girlfriend here decided to leave the group for a while to focus on work and so I think in maybe two months or so I will go back if there is still a group. I will be heading to some trainings with my community members in the near future which should be interesting. I want to say happy birthday to jordan and zach and my uncle which we will celebrate some other day in the future. I have learned it is more fun to celebrate your birthday for many days instead of just one day. Here is a journal entry from may "So at this point and in this book I was reading I keep hearing the same messsage or better question Are we at the beginning or at the end? When we enter the thrid world or the country side are we ending or regressing?When we pass the widons of the shops in a large shopping mall have we made it have we arrived? If we survive in the world of poverty, or the world of consumerism. Both put a smile on my face because they are full of contradictions and ironies. Both places are full of lost people looking for something or someone to cutre their ales to pass the time. Shar a moment or steal a lifetime. I think we are all sadly deceived that we would be happier with more. But once we have more the desire still liingers. Perhaps a 13 year old is just a 13 years old no matter where he lives or how much money he has. I cannot say when it changes. perhaps when the old man relaxes in his hot tub at night and the poor old man sleeps deeply on what might be considered a mattress wishing his life would be different. I fit both places. I do not long for money I do long for change. I want people to reach thier potential. I want people to fight for what they believe in, and do what they love. I want them to find the opportunities they always have and use the resources that surround them. I am not ever going to find what I am looking for in a perfectly matched outfit with bitching shoes and the coordinated accessories. And when I come to see the price tag in soles I just cannot imagine buying any of it when I know how many children run around hungry and families ill, and parents worried. I cannot justify any of it. And to imagine it all in dollars. I will never apologize for my success which happens to earn money. But why is life so much easier for some and so destitute for otheres. And as I develop this new reality the old one crumbles. I do not wish to leacve those that I love behind but they are so inconviently located so very far away in a place that I cannot return. For once I am being looked at in the way I always imagined. And doing what I love. When I talk people listen, when I act people follow. And while starbucks is so delicious I could live with instant coffee if it meant being as happy as I have been at this point in my life. And time flies and the memories come. And that elaborate culture of consumerism loses its shine, draw, essence, addictive drive. Although I could drop in every once in a while I much prefer to stay out of its business. Instead I will stay at the "bottom" with the rest of them and get what it means to fight, struggle, fall, fault, lack, survive and live. Because like I suspected those at the top are just killing themselves because they are bored. I will never be certain how even within the same country this kind of satsifaction exists or even how the first world got to be first. I does not make any sense to me how that was possible. Or how we went from living in the woods to living in skyrise apartments. Or so mindless to have everything at our fingertips. It is actually very unnatural to have things so simple. To be looking for life in distraction. Even though the culture of small town life poses many challenges and forces me to question my sanity at time. I suppose it comes from the biologically instilled to observe others and your surroundings in order tokeep yourself or your family safe. Because in the city we have allowerd our instincts to dull and we not only do not know the majority of people we encounter on a day to dday basis, we also do not know our neighbors. We search for privacy and solitude without realizing we have already achieved it. We are deaf and blind, meanwhile in a small town far away from the first world from the privelaged lifestyle someone is talking aobut the activites of someone else. But it serves two fold. One we practice communicating verbally and we practice our abilities to observe our surroundings and draw conclusions. And in this place there are not many things I do not miss them in fact I forget I ever had them. And being trendy goes out the door when all you wear is what is necessary, and you wash it and wear it again. Still the glamorous life does not appeal to me when I stand sweaty and dirty and proud and poorly dressed but wearing a glow of strength confidence hardwork beauty and a smile. So I do not think that the action of leaving or arriving the first world is significant at all. You leave a place when you forget that you miss it. And you arrive when you feel comfortable and content with where you are. In between those places you are either consciously lost or unconciously in camino. But it is not physical it is mental. So is lonliness we are alone when we think we are alone. We feel alone when our heart is busy remembering that we left and not seeing that we could have already arrived. But it comes around and if not we turn around." loves

arg

So i went on a great beach getaway vacation for the fourth of july. I visited two beaches which were practically private because we are in the winter even though it is not really cold, and thus no one was there. So I was hanging out in the sand, playing in the ocean, talking with strangers, eating vegetarian food, writing, hanging in hammocks, and living simply but I felt amazing. I visited this hot mud hole and after covering myself with mud sunbathing and washing it off I had skin like a babys butt. I really enjoy traveling alone it gives you so much freedom to do whatever you want whenever and the liberty to completely change your plans at anytime. I suggest everyone do it at some point even if just for a few days and try to do it where there is no television or internet because then you get to really spend time with yourself. And amongst all of it I never once felt lonely. I got back to work real quick though and man reality can suck after a vacation. I have been running around full trying to get all these projects organized, registered, funded and operating properly. I think sometimes I have over extended myself and not even so much that I have a choice in the matter. I am dealing with this parent school project which is a pain in the ass because everyone expects me to run the project which is not my job and not the idea of sustainability so now the comparisions to the previous volunteer have started on a count of everything went so smoothly when he was running the project. Well if one controls every aspect of a project and by not including community memebers in it of course it will run smoothly. But it will only last until the volunteer leaves and then there will be nothing. It is a very ungrateful job that we do and so trying to stay motivated can get hard but now that I am looking at this as some sort of a competition I am destined to win because well I hate losing and when I am angry I am also extremely productive. And I have lost the rosy glasses and we are out of the honeymoon phase. And it is so interesting because the most important people seem to appreciate my work but the rest do not and well you can only listen to so much negativity without wanting to fight back or be negative too. However I am greatful for this newfound energy as I am needing it running around working with 21 families, 2 schools, 5 health promoters on this new project about healthy households and improved cooking stoves. I am learning that it is better to have people fear or respect you than it is to have them like you. I suppose I should be more scary or strict but when I am dealing with professionals I just do not see the need in treating people like they are children. And if I take control of everything then I render them useless which they are not. I am stuck in a rut... On the good side of things I have succeeded in getting the authorities of my town to think that malnutrition is in fact a serious problem that needs fixing and therefore requires funding so I have a promise of funding in 2011 for a recooperation and prevention project. I like that I have a profession that would be useful here, it is just convincing everyone else that they should care that it the challenging part. If any one of you reading does not recycle please start recycling. It is crazy how easy it is in the states to recycle and pure laziness if you do not. I have succeeded in making recycling trendy in the high school and over the past two months the streets of my town are cleanier because of it. I miss you all and I hope that with all the big changes happening in your lives that you are finding comfort and positivity. i think about you all constantly and you are in my dreams. xoxo here is a quote my mom sent me that I liked do not know the author "virtually every successful person has considered giving up at some point in his or her struggle to reach the top. And many break throughs occured soon after those same people rededicated themselves to their purpose." it keeps me going I now understand why some people say I was made to be here and why others say they would never come. It is crazy to think that I have been here for seven months. And even though I have so much to go I know it is going to fly by because well the first year for me is already been moving quite quickly. I

Still Living

Not to fear I actually did not die the next day or the next or even today. Been teaching about how to use condoms and not get pregnant. Replanted on my new land have some beans and some radishes. Start small and grow I figure better not to get overly ambitious and disappointed again. Trying to get this improved cooking stoves project off the ground it is going very slowly. My guinea pigs are growing well I have 8 newbies and a few more on the way. Hanging out with moms in early childhood stimulation teaching about nutrition. I went to the mountains of piura to participate in a dance presentation with my dance group. Got to visit with an old friend of mine she organized the event. It was beautiful and a lot of fun. I got sick with Dengue which is a viral disease passed by mosquito bites the first time you get laid out in bed for about a week, with a serious fever, headache, bone pain, nausea, vomiting, and a sweet rash. I basically turned red, 102 fever, and felt like a 75 year old women for 5 days. It sucked. If I get it again I could die from bleeding to death from some hole in my body most commonly the eyes or ears. So needless to say I have gotten religious about using bug repellent. Right now my town is working on the next years budget and I am attending all the meetings in the hope that some importance and funding will be placed on health. There was a boys leadership camp where I took two boys from my town and met up with 15 other volunteers and 32 other boys from various towns in my department and Tumbes. It was a really incredible experience I think the boys grew and left with less shyness and more bravery. Working on writing a nutrition project in the hopes of changing the situation here where 1 in every 3 kids is malnourished. I find that right now I am in a frustrated funk where I just wish that people would pull their shit together. That includes myself. Lately I have been feeling like there is not going to be any long lasting effect here resulting from my presence or work. That being said I am rather confused why I stay. Consequently, I am not intenting nearly as hard anymore which is sort of a vicious cycle. If I do not work really hard nothing will happen, and when nothing I happens I feel like doing less. It is a waste of time wishing that things were different. Because the truth in life is that things are what they are, people are who they are, and their reality is reflected in those two things. But the fight feels futile when you are just fighting with and for yourself you know? I talked to a girl friend who told me that this experience is really about learning more about ourselves than it is about teaching anything to anyone else. I have learned that I am more patient than I could have imagined, that I care way too much for others and usually not enough for myself, I am a much better and nicer person than I thought I was, that being a black and white person is very useful, that I can cry without shame now, and that while I can integrate or adapt to the majority of situations, people, or ideas that maybe that is not what I really want or need to do to be accepted. Sorry I did not write for awhile I was traveling and sick. I am looking forward to my fourth of july vacation coming up. I will definately miss the cherry creek arts festival for all you people in colorado you better go and enjoy for me. love.

if I die tomorrow

So the month of may was a very emotionally challenging time. Beginning with getting older, a death, friends struggling at home, going on vacation with my mother, coming back to another death, working loads and perhaps not getting the results I was looking for, trying to integrate without losing my self, overall frustrations and overwhelming experiences. My vacation to lima and cuzco was amazing. It was so strange living in a first world way though. Not thinking about how much money I was spending, staying in luxury style suites, passing time with my mom, going to art shows and dance presentations, not working just being a tourist, new clothes, my favorite things from the states. Needless to say there was crying and anxiety attacks and laughter and joy. It was so great to see my mom having coffee and going for walks. Exploring and showing her parts of my new life. Cuzco was a blur of tours and gorgeous countrysides. Macchu Picchu is breath taking considering its location,the technology, the design and size. I definately suggest that people go see it but also all the other ruins were also very interesting and in my opinion just as noteworthy. There was lots of exercise and difficulty breathing in the altitude. My body froze the entire time since I had gotten used to such blistering hot weather. Hot showers were a nice change of pace. And of course any adventure with my mom leaves doubled over in laughter at our ridiculousness. I am so proud of where my mom is in her life I have never seen her look so alive and happy. She was pushing me up the stairs and hills and I know that it was a really important and strenous trip for her on so many levels but she was glowing.I got to visit with some old friends as I randomly ran into two co workers and their families, I think it was so refreshing to share stories with them and even more so for our parents to be able to talk. To say goodbye just seems so natural these days. I went back to my site only to find that a 24 year old that worked in the municipality had died in a motorcycle accident. Which is where the title of this blog comes from, because I was struck hard with the question if I die tomorrow am I doing what I should be doing and living where I should be living? And the truth was that this guy was really put together and represented hope for me and then my hope for this place sort of died this past week. So I am trying to recover the energy, optimism, and hope I had before. Went through another of the really sad death marchs there were 2500 people present at the mass and procession. Then I decided that the community garden was a failure and ripped out the remains which was incredibly threapudic. I am now going to just have a personal garden on a different better piece of land. I want to learn how to plant soy and in the hopes it grows well here start a trend. Also the guinea pig trend is on its way. So is the recycling trend. I have decided if anything that changning people is actually impossible and the only thing I can do is influence their decisions. So I am going to try to be a trendsetter and stop getting so worked up about things that do not work out. I went and climbed a famous alien hill the other day did not find anyhting out of the normal but it was a nice change of perspective looking from the up down. Trying to recuperate the youth group I was working with they are also very hopeful in my opinion. But I realized that being idealistic definately has its consequences and I think I need to be careful with idealism because its structure sets me up for failure. That is all for now. Loves.

dah du da du

So a friends dad of mine here died on my birthday which was unfortunate and though the timing was less than ideal I suppose there is never a good time to die. But I realized there is a good time to live. Thus I spent the night staring at a dead body crying and comforting my friend. It was not an unexpected death but I finally got to experience being part of some really incredible traditions. There is a weeks worth of events in which at night friends come to support the family and pass solemn hours together. The week ends with the funeral procession. Where the immediate family is either carrying the casket or there are black ribbons attached and the walk behind holding the ribbons and sobing. In front of the casket walks rows and rows of flowers that people have donated and behind follows a van with a sound system attached on top. Everyone walks around the town with the body playing the deceased favorite songs and some just generally depressing songs about death and the loss of a loved one. Along with the sound system walks a crowd of people that are either friends of the deceased, distant family, aquaintences, or friends of the family. So picture like one hundred people for someone unpopular and more than two hundred for someone more important. This man was important and it made me reflect on what an effect one person can have on so many people and the importance of being a good parent so that your children can also have the chance to foster this kind of change. It was amazingly beautiful and saddening. Then comes the mass and the ulegy and after that you walk the body and the memory of the person to the cemetary. And for me this was the hardest part because it was the last chance to still feel close physically to this person, and the reality begins to set in that you will never see that person again. And everyone at this point was crying and holding hands and falling apart under the weight of loss. As you get to the cemetary there are more words of love and rememberance and then comes the sobbing and the wailing as they close the door to the tumb. And it was so emotionally draining and personally difficult because many of my old or repressed feelings were uprooted. So I spent two hours writing about the whole ordeal of past resentment and pain and then I felt much better. My hope is that no one else I know dies anytime soon because I do not think I could bear to do this again. So for anywhere from 3 months to a year the family dresses in black and does not smile or attend parties or dance. It is moving and every year after on the birthday and anniversary of their death they have a mass and then a gathering at someone´s home. The celebration of the dead and overall mourning process here seems so much healthier and complete to me. I think it would behoove Americans to adopt these kinds of traditions. But as always the life of the living continues so I decided to renovate the community garden which has mostly been a pain in my ass, trying to bring birth and growth into my life instead of disease and death. This type of symbolism more or less runs my mood here. And continued with teaching sex education and starting to work with mothers in the center of early childhood stimulation. For mother´s day which is a very big deal here I helped in giving away 300 gift baskets and did a dance performance for about 1000 mothers. Then headed to Lima for a training about project design management with a community partner. It was a very useful experience and I got to better know another character in my lifes drama. As I headed back home things went back to light speed and crazy coordination. I had another dance performance that night in a sort of talent show event. It was rather interesting because the dance was sexual in nature and I have tried to keep myself under wraps in this place but I suppose it was all exposed in this exposition. That weekend I also gained a great deal of respect for small scale agriculture as I learned how to harvest black eyed beans. It is rough you have to rip up the plant from the ground, put it in a small pile, compile the piles onto a large tarp, and then beat the hell out of piles with a stick to get the beans to fall out of their pod(in the blistering sun and leaving blistered hands). Afterwards you clean off the fragmented pods from the beans and put them in a sack. The men work at an incredible pace and as good as machines. The next day I held my recycling competition so that I could promote and continue the project with my youth group. I think that we will be selling next month but needless to say we have a load. Oh and I sold my first guinea pig, and am seriously getting ready to start a project because well eating guinea pigs is one step on the right track to decreasing the amount of cronic malnutrition here. The rate is 32% of children under the age of 5. I have done the math and plan on decreasing that rate to 22% by the time I am leaving. Which means I have to treat and prevent 99 cases. I think is highly unlikely and yet completely feasible. I have thanks to this recent training renewed my faith in having dreams and figuring out how to accomplish them. And am now trying to spread this technique to everyone I possibly can in this town. Because well we all say we have dreams and maybe we all do but there are the kind of broad dreams that we never accomplish and then there are the specific ones that we do. So the advice goes to all of you as well forget direction and get the exact address. That is the only way we arrive put a deadline (at least the year) of when you want to complete this dream, put the location, and the certain career, travel, habit and try to add some details without going overboard and then get there! Today I am getting the parent school set up, and training health promoters. Nothing in life comes easy, but the persistant are the ones who win and perhaps not in the time frame we want but the dream should never change. Keep chasing it until you get it and then chase a new one. Do this indefinately and you are undoubtly going to be successful and fulfilled.

Older

Well reflections on being older, I am not sure I really have any. I think that the less we worry about time the faster it goes. Things are going well I got busy again I have been teaching sex education in the high school. I organized a recycling competition and taught about how to separate trash. Presented my community diagnostic in a meeting where the authorities of my town were present. It appeared to be a very successful presentation because now people are realizing the importance to health promotion. The schools are implementing more plans and activities for the year. The municipality I believe will be funding my healthy households project though I may need assistance in the future for funding from you lovely people at home and all your wealthy connections. I will let you know. But pretty much $50 could make the difference to the healthy of a family, especially the children who are at the most risk of damage from smoke. Anyways, the parent school should be up and going this month where we are teaching about communication between parents and children. Trying to get more books for the library. My dance group absorbed most of my time recently as we had a dance competition in the capital city. Followed by another performance during a ceremony on Saturday which meant we were training every night of the week. There will be at least two more performances this week. Went to a psychic she told me some interesting things but I can only hope she is mistaken on the majority or else my stories will be getting much more interesting. The night before my birthday there was a dance in my town so went to shake it and brought in my birthday at midnight with a group of friends showering me in beer. The next day was mellow ceviche with some other friends and then dinner with some other friends. Pretty much food and drinking equals love and celebration here. It was all around nice but then reality returns and having to work my butt of again. Love yall thanks to those of you who remembered me.

Dang

So once again computers and time have escaped me. So the update. After that last post I fell really ill. My head hurt so bad for like a week so after 3 days of not functioning I ended up in the doctors office. He wanted to admit me but my bosses were coming to visit the next day so I had to get back to my site. They met with the mayor and with my health post we ate lunch with my host mom and then they told me to pack my bags so that I could get checked out by a different doctor in Lima. So hurriedly I packed up and got on a bus to Lima. In lima I got a cat scan and then headed to a neurologist. Turns out everything appears to be fine. He told me it was a migrane but I doubt it. Anyways now it is all gravy I got to see a picture of my brain and the pain went away. So strange. I felt so overwhelmed though in lima so much traffic and technology and options. I got starbucks for the first time in 5 months. It was great so I did it for all the days I was in lima. I went exploring and ran into some old friends. Took second place in a dance contest in a night club but only won condoms. Then I had to go to the most northern department of Peru for a week worth of training. Got to see all the other volunteers play on the beach, tan my stomach, give presentations listen to power points and power points and power points. I learned a bunch got some new ideas remembered about old ideas. Played like a mermaid in the ocean. Learned about aids education and that I would like to have youth health promoters. Afterwards we returned to piura to see another volunteers site. Learned about improved cooking stove repairs, latrines, funding, and early childhood stimulation. It was super refreshing talking with the other volunteers and realizing that I am doing well. I saw a lunar eclipse. It was great. Ate vegetarian for the two weeks lost some more weight. Returned to my site definately missed it and the people. but had a crazy week of work organizing a trash event, starting a recycling program, teaching sex ed, presenting my community diagnostic, etc. I have more to say but not more time. Loves I will try to be better about this but busy...

VACATION

So I thought I was going on a vacation with my gynocologist but she blew me off at the last minute. That of course did not stop me. I took my travel book of peru plotted out a plan and got to Trujillo by myself. I thought I would be vacationing alone but randomly I ran into a group of other volunteers and got to live it up on the beach with them. The hostel I stayed at was amazing filled with hippie goodness, hammocks, and my room was beautiful with green towels, green curtains, and hardword floors. I spent the first day on the beach, and partied with the other gringos. The next day I woke up early and went to explore the beach town. I visited a church, hung out in a cemetary, checked out the market. Then headed for a day at the beach played in the sand got some ceviche went back to the beach. Ironically the only time I have ever traveled with only one pair of shoes is the time that my 5 year old sandals, worn down, and actually repaired twice with super glue got stolen. I would not have been so bothered if I thought is was worthwhile for someone to steal them. Oh well they got screwed and I got a sweet new pair of sandals.I spent the whole time grubbing at this fantastic vegetarian restaurant. That night played some pool and connect four at a bar. The next day chilled in a hammock did some journaling, checked out some chimu ruins made some friends from lima headed to a museum and some other ruins. Went back to the beach played in some killer waves and watched the best sunset of the trip went to bed early so I could rise early the next day and catch up on some rest. Left for the city, went to morning mass in the cathedral, followed by lunch in a local neighborhood restaurant. Went to some moche ruins by far the best nothing of restoration only preservation. Ran into some guy I met the day before and decided that I would check out another Grupo 5 concert with him and his friends before leaving on a night bus. It has been a great trip full of by chance experiences and encounters. I really think that being spontaneous and traveling alone has its benefits. You get to meet so many more people, take more local advice, and get more stuff at discount or for free in the hospatality department. Thanks mom for my eyes they truely work magic for me. I definately needed a vacation and loved seeing more of peru. It is really an incredible life I lead. Tonight I head back to my reality and start right back into all my work tomorrow at 8 a.m.

No news is good News

Well the bike rides continue and they are beautiful and I take fotos and it is like my foto diary of me and zeek. By and large things are the same here. Still fighting to get my projects in place. Trying to lay down the law and start new ones. Somedays I want to just shake someone but then I just breathe do some yoga or ride my bike and come back to positivity. And dancing has come back as well as the rainy season ends the parties start again and my dance group is back in action. So I work all day and dance all night. Lots of meetings lots of official stuff lately. Plus giving kids prizes in the library for the reading competition. It is incredible how hard they worked for a backpack. I am not completely in agreement that people should constantly provide incentives for behavior change. But 20 bucks says I will fall into the same trap when I want to get projects moving. This week I am getting the paperwork and coordinations ready for a improved cooking stoves-healthy households project. I began the monthly health promotion program in the high school. I will be starting with sex education in April. Started the healthy mouth promotion program with the intern dentist. Then there is organizing the parent school where we educate the parents of the students in four schools here about life themes such as domestic violence, alcoholism, communication,etc. Planning to do three vegetable gardens in three schools here hopefully getting the seeds and organic fertilizers donated from a NGO. My community garden is mostly my garden because I have been abandoned by my helpers. Cant blame them they have to work and so I keep it up. What can I say seeing things grow gives me hope. And well if I can make it work I have big plans for it in the future. If you build it they will come? Oh but I am starting a recycling project with my youth group. Tomorrow we are going to do a clean up day of the town and then take pictures. I am going to educate in the community and in the schools. Then all the stuff we collect we are going to sell to the recycling plant (which looks more like a junk yard and is super informal but at least I know that this stuff is out of the dumps or the streets). Then the idea is slowly but surely we will gain enough money to buy sacks for the houses in the community and by the end of the year recycling bins for the major streets of the community. And perhaps I will get the municipality to buy trash bins for the community as well because we lack that. The infrastructure here is much better than in other communities but I think it gives the false illusion of progress. If the people never change, the things they build will eventually deteriorate and then everyone will be back at square one. So sustainability man that word drives me bonkers. I will admit that lately I have been feeling discouraged because well I do not know that we can make projects that are sustainable. It insinuates that we have to make the people care about certain themes. And well if it does not fit into the cultural belief system or their everyday life I think it is just about impossible no matter where you are in the world. Behavior change is a pain in the ass. I get advice from people they tell me I need to be patient, and that is true. But everyone wants things for free and without work and well that I think is the difference between the developed and developing countries. If a country is constantly depending on handouts from other sources it will never be able to manage itself. So I stay, I work, I dance, I write, I ride my bike when I am frustrated, and I keep trying. I admit that I miss you all terribly and I am incredibly bothered when I cannot be there for your successes and your sorrows. In these moments I wonder whether it is better to be of in a distant land making a difference in the lives of strangers or to be home and making a difference in the lives of your loved ones.

So besides being Alive

Sorry for the abruptness of the previous post but I was running and also I have a really hard time remembering exactly what has happened without my handy dandy planner. It basically runs my future and remembers my past for me. That way I can save those brain cells for something more productive. Held another training for 30 mothers in another sector of my site. It was a great little educational talk about diarrea and then I weighed and checked the height of 30 kids. If they were not scared of me before the little ones sure are now. It was hectic with little kids crying and screaming. It does not help that parents say I am going to vaccinize their kids if they don´t behave. I know when parents have done this because they start crying the second I show up. I also held a educative sesson with about nutrition for a group of 20 women. I am definately getting the work experience necessary for international nutrition. I know that I am more exciting then the majority of meetings held here. Had one of my friends leave unfortunately, she is a teacher and got transferred to a site up in the mountains far away. We went dancing one last time to say goodbye and celebrate the friendship. That is what is sad about my site that people are constantly leaving. I make a friend and then find out for work, education, or family reasons they are moving away for anywhere between 6 months and indefinately. Success and failure run very closely here. I pretty much succeed and fail in something everyday. Which I think has been a great lesson for me and for the people of my community. I think we are all surprised at my resilence and relentlessness. I am surprised because my fear of failure in the past left me paralyzed and now I just brush it off or work at it until it resolves itself. For example, I had a girl ask to use a shovel and she went to town in the community garden. This was a success not only because she is a girly girl that I would have never expected to do this but also because culturally women don´t do that kind of labor. The failure would be that the group of youth working with me are not really keeping up with the project so I am probably going to completely change the project to involve more of the community and instead of making a business make a share crop. In the sense of sustainability it is a failure because if I did not keep working hard to maintain the project everything would die. I´ll let you know what happens. Schools back in session which keeps everyone busy. I am designing a monthly health promotion program in the high school. I have been assisting the dentist in getting a mouth health promotion program started in all the schools here. I started this past week training on my bike. I got this idea that I wanted to travel to a nearby town to buy bananas. So I hopped on and took pictures along the way in total the trip was 17 miles and I did it in an hour and a half. The second trip I headed in the opposite direction for a 22 mile roundtrip in two hours. I am going to keep aumenting the distance in the hopes that someday I can take a trip to a far away place on my bike. Plus this is a great way to exercise, sight see, and take photos. The surprising part is that I did not get tired and the next day my legs did not even hurt. I think that with a road bike I could totally win races when I get back to the states because my current bike is a mountain bike so with a lighter bike made for road travel who knows what I could do or where I could go. I went to a birthday party and danced for four hours followed by a cake fight. Keep in mind that tommorrow is International Women´s Day so celebrate, burn your bras ladies, men put one on, and everyone hug your mom. I liked this quote I recently saw by emerson
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could some blunders and absurdities have crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Keep in mind it is better to screw up trying than to be frozen in fear of failure. Also look for new nonesense because expired nonesense just stinks.

Safe and Sound

I would like to communicate that I am totally safe. I have not felt any sort of after effects from the earthquake in Chile. I will write more soon when I have my schedule book to remind me of the stories I want to tell you guys. I have sort of lost track of time and past that is why I write everything down. With lovve and pleasantries

Apologies

Sorry ya´ll that I sort of fell off the face of the world. I am fine and well just busy busy. Also I thought that I posted this last week but it didn´t show up. Once again sorry Clumsy is my new nickname these days. Let´s see... I did have a dance performance I dressed up like I was jane from tarzan and performed a dance from the jungle and also a very pretty cumbia in the white and black outfit located at the right of the screen. I was not even nervous and everyone wonders where I got the skills since I am a white girl. I took the meds they made my legs better and then now they are back to ugly since I finished the meds. I am ok with it since it is not something more serious. Finally finished teaching English today super excited that I will have my mornings free to do other health related work. It was worth it because now all the kids know me and everyone thinks I am a professor too. I was visited by another volunteer that was having trouble in her site. We went to the river, practiced stilts, and she got a taste of my life here. Her opinion very hot, very busy, and extremely unique. So I am still trying to figure out if it is my fault or my site that my life is so strange. Went to a superbowl party with some other volunteers it was funny because I had no idea who was even in the superbowl. Finished with my interviews in the community and am now evaluating the results. I have also held two sessions on the prevention of diarrea and weighed young children to see if they are malnourished. Those that are suffering from malnutrition enter into this nutrition program so that they can recuperate. Last friday was my uncle´s birthday party where we danced a ton and then everyone ate a dish of my guinea pigs. I am working on getting that project rolling. The garden is officially in my name and I have reliable team working now small but effective. I think we are going to start over now that we know what works and what doesn´t. I have been enjoying my own radishes and cucumbers. Still waiting on the carrots, cabbage, beets, squash and tomatoes. Someday I will have sweet vegetarian plates of my own organic vegetables. Also we began selling the products which is super exciting. I will start a business here at least one before I leave. On valentine´s day I went for ceviche followed by dancing in my block party and later another birthday party. I felt anything but lonely on this day. Because here they celebrate it as the love day and the day of friendship. Though I did have a freak accident with balloons when I was trying to help decorate. I blew one up too much and it popped hard into my left eye. It started swelling and thought it might turn black I was covering it with a popsicle and trying to blow up another when it also popped into my other eye and hit my neck. By the end of it I looked like I got beat up by my husband. It was hilarious luckily the swelling went down before any terrible rumors could start. I have been world´s of clumsy lately. Also I experienced my second tremor. The first one woke me up at 3 am and it was small but I though maybe I was dreaming because my bed was shaking. But really the earth was quaking ha. The second one happened this past week and was stronger the whole house shook. I don´t expect there will actually be a earthquake where I live so no worries. It is officially rainy season which I throughly enjoy and had a lovely shower yesterday in the pouring down rain. The people here think I am very strange because I like to play in the rain. I got to travel a bit to another department and visit 2 museums about incas and then head to the beach for a few hours with 40 students from summer school. It made the pains of teaching totally worthwhile to share that experience with my kids. They are really quite pleasant when you are not having to try to keep them under control. It was really sweet to because all the moms were terrified to watch their kids leave to travel alone and I was entrusted with about 20 personally. I took it as a huge compliment. The sun and the sand really got me alive and kicking again. That was a mouthful of a story. I will try to do better next time so it is not so long.

Getting my dance on

Still teaching English. On top I am now spending more time working in the Health Center working with mother´s that have malnourished children. As well as training more health promoters so that we can reach everyone in this large district. I went to the Grupo 5 concert which was as usually amazing. Love that group and apparently they love me too because they were flirting with me, and inviting me to come dance on stage. I had gotten used to being famous in my site but being noticable with one of the most popular groups in Peru. That is an accomplishment it was like every thirteen year olds dream. What can I say boy bands are dreamy. I would have danced on stage but there were too many people from my town at the concert. Instead I just got my dance on close to the stage. It was lovely and perhaps if I cannot find better work I will be the stage dancer for Grupo 5 after my service. I went to the dermatologist to see why my legs have had this ugly rash for 2 months. Apparently, I am allergic to my pants. How do you resolve that issue? Not wear pants but then everyone tells you that you have ugly legs and the cycle begins again. I got some meds hopefully they work. I went dancing with some girl friends in a dance club which was really enjoyable it was inside but with an open roof. Huge dance floor filled completely. There is the crazy hour where no one can leave the dance floor for the full hour. It flies by though and I did it in heels! I have been elected to be the nutritionist for another program aimed at preventing malnutrition aiding mothers with small children. I also tried stilts this week. Surprisingly much easier than I thought it would be. I am going to be ready for the circus by the end of my service. I think I will also learn how to juggle. My dance group is back in action so my nights have been filled with classes we will be performing next week. The garden has a lot of potential and will be getting help from NGO too so here comes the business. There is a lot of local interest in my vegetables so the next harvest will be sold the funds will support youth working there and gain funds to continue the project. It sounds so much easier than it is going to be. But I have faith I have unyielding faith that I am going to do something great here and that all it takes is lots of elbow grease and being a pain in other people´s asses. People ask me why I laugh when I am alone here, and I tell them that the other person who would be laughing at the joke is in the states. In my heart and on my mind, I think about ya´ll all the time!

Beginnings

So I have started teaching English four times a week to children between the ages of 8 and 16. It requires a lot of patience but is rewarding when they learn. I have so much respect for teachers their job is incredibly challenging. It rained once here I of course was out playing in it. I learned that it first rains water and then it rains insects. Literally. The ones that fly forget how to fly or something because they just start falling out of the sky or from my ceiling. Largely right now it is beatles or grasshoppers and every night I learn about another. But the rainy season still has not arrived in full blast. Which is unfortunate because the rain would really help out the garden. And because everyone talks about how all the vegetation turns this beautiful green instead of looking dried out and dead. On the list of new beginnings I have inherited 30 guinea pigs. Here they are called cuyes. I will in the future have a project breeding cuyes either to donate to families of lesser resources so that they can breed them or try to start a business selling them. First I have to get people to want to eat them. They are awkward and make silly noises I am working on naming all of them. So I continue to learn more and more things I also will be learning how to make honey too. I think with my youth group I am going to start a soap making project. Went to the river again rode my bike all the way there. My legs are definately stronger now I just have to do some push ups or something to keep the arm strength. It was nice because it is really hot right now unfortunately I got kind of burned not bad though. As for the laundry update I am improving immensely. Tomorrow there is a concert of Grupo 5 I believe I will be attending with some friends to get my dance on. It is the aniversary of a neighboring community so I may also do a dance performance tonight with my dance group. Sorry I have not eaten anything exciting or exotic lately all I know is the fruit here comes from the trees in houses and parcels you cannot beat the freshness. Sorry for being all over the place the heat is getting to me. With amor.

the day to day

Back to meetings and planning , interviews, hanging out in the garden and exploration of nearby places. I live in the capital of my district which means it is large but nearby are all these little communities called caserios. This week was dedicated to the exploration of these caserios. The first visit failed but was still an enjoyable bike ride with a friend. We stopped on the way home to climb a tree because his legs were tired. I fell out of it the first try but suceeded the second. The next day I walked for 30 minutes to the next nearby caserio and hung out with a group of moms. The update for the garden is plants are growing not all of them some better than others but all around it is a better organized project now thank goodness. Wednesday was another friends birthday. House party we danced and drank until we were merry. Let´s just say that twenty first birthdays are definately different in the states but all end the same with the birthday boy wasted and acting ridiculous. On Saturday I taught a lesson about handwashing in a caserio that was super successful and solified my plans for returning in the future. However, in the afternoon I had my first breakdown about whether the people here value my work let alone me as a person. Consequently, I rode off into the countryside and cried in a corn field underneath two rainbows. It was terribly beautiful and I regreted not having my camera with me. All around it was actually a great relief and got me journaling again. I missed writing, hell I missed sounding educated when I spoke. I tried to translate four sentences into spanish even using a dictionary and could not. I can only hope someday to be profound in spanish. Had a meeting with the boss in the city on Monday. Clarified my role in the community and that I am actually a valuable asset. Glad that is all cleared up. Got to do some shopping in the open air market on of my favorite pass times. Venders of all shapes and sizes with strange products all jumbled together in chaotic order. The taxis drive straight through the crowds of people. My favorite are the fruit stands with pretty colors, free samples, and undeniable freshness. This morning I went to another caserio where I will also be teaching during summer school. My classes start next week I think it will be a great way to get to know more people and solidify myself as some sort of a professional in this place. Then I walked around with some health workers vaccinating dogs for rabies. Random. Still working on my community diagnostic and stalking NGOs looking for potential funders in the future.