Being Unemployeed

So upon my return from the states it became clear that I for the first time in my life was unemployed. It was a strange realization many things. I was addicted to stress, to having my every minute occupied perhaps my overachiever got so out of control at some point that she took control of my destiny. And so that overachiever was given free time, LOTs of it. I spent these past months sleeping in until 10am, drinking coffee while leisurely reading articles, watching ted talks, taking online courses, reading books, walking the dog, cooking, watching video conferences, studying coaching materials, meditating, training MMA, teaching a few aerobics classes, doing some nutrition counseling, hanging out with the hubby, practicing my coaching skills and eating at delicious restaurants. It was so weird to be able to put things off until tomorrow if I wanted because tomorrow was completely available. It also meant my to do lists took days longer than they probably should have.
It was pretty enjoyable but I kept being haunted by the existential questions that have always bit at my coattail, What is the meaning of life? Am I using my time well? Am I taking advantage of my every opportunity? Am I advancing or am I falling behind? Is this luxury or laziness? Do we work to live or live to work? Is my entire identity held up in my job? Is an unemployed life a meaningless one? Is being a housewife such a bad thing or is it the reason why we so enjoy watching the Housewives shows because it is the recipe for craziness? Isn't it more important who we are as a person and how we treat others than what we do? What does it mean to be successful? And the answers which I think should have been comforting were initially disturbing because they shook my belief system. Many people kept saying I was living the dream. So the dream is to not have to work?
 Maybe I agreed with them until month 4, when I just imploded. I NEED to work, though I did not fail to exist being unemployed I still did not feel that I was reaching my potential, and that nagging feeling began to scratch beyond the surface. It began to dig deep uncovering my survival needs. I do find meaning in meaningful work, I am motivated by recognition and helping others, which led me to apply for a Training position with PC. Yes the PC saga continues. But this time I would get paid, this time I would be a full time staff member, this time would be my first real big girl job. During this whole process I am extremely grateful for my mother and Joel who have put up with the anxiety, the hyperactive learning, the despair of the unknown, the enthusiasm and the exaggeration.
Joel and I went to see the melting glacier and get some much needed mountain air. We went up to 16,404 ft on day one resulting in some altitude sickness but nevertheless beautiful surroundings and pushing the body to it's limitless left the brain on reserve. In the mornings we drank coffee in the sunshine with the view of the snow topped mountains in the evenings tea by the fireplace. We got caught in a rainstorm, bathed in natural hot springs and Joel faced his fear of heights as we  crossed rope bridges and zip lined between canyons hanging 650 ft in the air. It was liberating and refreshing compared to the Lima's many shades of gray.
So I applied and after waiting a month (this was month 4, talk about delayed gratification) I received the phone call that felt like a lifesaver being thrown to pull me back to the real world and reconnect my rejuvenated reels into a familiar system where I could really feel the impact of my input.
It is a position I feel qualified to do and have received so much support from my volunteers who are excited for my return. In January I will officially begin. And it was something I realized on the last day I was in the states that I still had work to be done with PC and then destiny had a way of working itself into a reality. I laugh because I know that really in we don't make any decisions everything happens as it should.
I read the other day that people who live life like a marathon are happier than those who live it as a sprint. I think I had been running myself ragged for the last 12 years and it has been an amazing opportunity to sit down and rest. And it had been a sprint it was always what's next, who cares what I had done even if it was before it's deadline, even before it was ripe. So heading into adulthood and the future I will try to be more aware that this is a marathon, that when one race ends there will always be another, that this is not about winning it is about finishing strong and completing goals.
So cheers to the health and happiness of my family and friends, to finding love, to enjoying the moment, to breathing and eating as means to fulfillment, to saying positive words and committing to positive action, to constantly pondering and just being being enough.