if I die tomorrow

So the month of may was a very emotionally challenging time. Beginning with getting older, a death, friends struggling at home, going on vacation with my mother, coming back to another death, working loads and perhaps not getting the results I was looking for, trying to integrate without losing my self, overall frustrations and overwhelming experiences. My vacation to lima and cuzco was amazing. It was so strange living in a first world way though. Not thinking about how much money I was spending, staying in luxury style suites, passing time with my mom, going to art shows and dance presentations, not working just being a tourist, new clothes, my favorite things from the states. Needless to say there was crying and anxiety attacks and laughter and joy. It was so great to see my mom having coffee and going for walks. Exploring and showing her parts of my new life. Cuzco was a blur of tours and gorgeous countrysides. Macchu Picchu is breath taking considering its location,the technology, the design and size. I definately suggest that people go see it but also all the other ruins were also very interesting and in my opinion just as noteworthy. There was lots of exercise and difficulty breathing in the altitude. My body froze the entire time since I had gotten used to such blistering hot weather. Hot showers were a nice change of pace. And of course any adventure with my mom leaves doubled over in laughter at our ridiculousness. I am so proud of where my mom is in her life I have never seen her look so alive and happy. She was pushing me up the stairs and hills and I know that it was a really important and strenous trip for her on so many levels but she was glowing.I got to visit with some old friends as I randomly ran into two co workers and their families, I think it was so refreshing to share stories with them and even more so for our parents to be able to talk. To say goodbye just seems so natural these days. I went back to my site only to find that a 24 year old that worked in the municipality had died in a motorcycle accident. Which is where the title of this blog comes from, because I was struck hard with the question if I die tomorrow am I doing what I should be doing and living where I should be living? And the truth was that this guy was really put together and represented hope for me and then my hope for this place sort of died this past week. So I am trying to recover the energy, optimism, and hope I had before. Went through another of the really sad death marchs there were 2500 people present at the mass and procession. Then I decided that the community garden was a failure and ripped out the remains which was incredibly threapudic. I am now going to just have a personal garden on a different better piece of land. I want to learn how to plant soy and in the hopes it grows well here start a trend. Also the guinea pig trend is on its way. So is the recycling trend. I have decided if anything that changning people is actually impossible and the only thing I can do is influence their decisions. So I am going to try to be a trendsetter and stop getting so worked up about things that do not work out. I went and climbed a famous alien hill the other day did not find anyhting out of the normal but it was a nice change of perspective looking from the up down. Trying to recuperate the youth group I was working with they are also very hopeful in my opinion. But I realized that being idealistic definately has its consequences and I think I need to be careful with idealism because its structure sets me up for failure. That is all for now. Loves.