surrender

I went on vacation and was reading through old journal entries I found this one interesting, March 21, 2010:
Trust the head or the heart. I always say trust the head it is so much more reasonable than the heart. Because well scientifically is has the capacity to reason. The heart led me here (Peru), the head got me here. And at one point the ideas and sentiments were congruent. But then they disconnected and the heart tried to decapacitate me, to leave the head lying in a ditch in order to romanticize and run rampant completely senseless. While the head reasonably weighed the alternatives and recognized that the removal of the heart was reckless for is would lead to its own demise. So it left it be sending subliminal messages deflating its exuberant and exulted status. They fought and quarreled for some time before they exhausted their every point or passion. The end result was the only proper conclusion that they had to exist in balance. That one could not survive without the other. So while the mind tried to resolve why it had arrive here the heart in its fits of lust or passion could not find the words to explain what impulsed them into the current reality. Still they wrestle and suffocate one another. Still they hinder the progress of the individual when they are not in alliance. Still the heart remains frivolous and the head remains frigid. And that is why a person has them both. Why is always so incredibly apparent when someone has left the balance. When the scale has flipped or flopped entirely because the person tips and leads a life either so bland or so topsy-turvy that these people can hardly function in reality. Others will almost inevitably talk about how sad their life is completely dull or utterly destructive. The head causes the knee jerk in order to rein in the control of decision making and the heart flares to burn the lasso and loosen the grip of perceived reality. The situation remains your heart pulses to explore the difference and the mind continually reminds of the tarnishing truth.

The 14 cook stoves are built the mothers are happy. I thought that rain would ruin everything I had worked so hard to build but as it turns out everything is going to be ok. I have submitted the project for next year and hope to do 21 more. Depending on the municipality for funding. I think they will support me because Saturday there will be a ceremony to inaugurate the cook stoves. The last training in the Parent School I decided would be a Money Management course related with the drinking problem that my town has. It was perhaps a little complex for the parents but they did leave with the idea they need to work on cutting silly costs and not drink so much. The library got 100 new books. There is still so much to do that I will never get done even with the year to come. I wish that people would be more participative it would make my job a heck of a lot easier. I could achieve so much more but instead I am just dragging away at this really slow pace with a very few people. I realize that any change is a great accomplishment. But when you see so much and so many people and know that you can do so little, it is debilitating and distracting. However, I am seeing the end of the tunnel for the year. I sometimes feel I have done a whole lot of nothing. Although I recognize I have a rather shot gun approach to development. I know that people who work very hard to achieve particular goals frequently fail to achieve them but rather succeed with other outcomes. Thus I have done a whole lot in the hopes that some of it sticks and accomplishes something for someone. Whether or not I know about that change, influence, or effect is not very important to me. My friend told me not to surrender as I am running around a little defeated lately. So i will not surrender.